


17 Years in the Blink of an Eye

by HeyYousGuys



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amnesiac Dean, Hospitalization, M/M, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 11:55:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 33,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4665633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyYousGuys/pseuds/HeyYousGuys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester wakes up in the hospital surrounded by 5 strangers. At first, he is unable to move or speak. But as his abilities return, the questions begin. Why is Long Hair claiming to be Sammy, when Sammy is just a kid? And why does Old Guy look like a much older version of Dad's friend Bobby? And why the hell is Blue Eyes holding his hand?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Cas, blinking is a reflex. It means nothing."

**Author's Note:**

> This work was adapted from a fic I wrote many years ago for another fandom. I hate that I don't have time to write anymore with my busy schedule, but I figured adapting an old fic would cull the urge to write (and therefore forego sleeping, eating, and showering.) I was wrong. It made me want to write more. Hopefully I will have the time to do so at some point in the future. 
> 
> Also, it's not entirely canon compliant but it's not totally AU either.

Title: 17 Years in the Blink of an Eye  
Pairings: Destiel   
Rating: R (mostly for language.)  
Summary: After a car accident that nearly killed him, Dean wakes up to a roomful of strangers and a lot to learn about himself.  
DISCLAIMER: This story is a work of pure fiction, intended only for personal enjoyment. I do not own any of the characters nor am I in any way associated with Supernatural or anyone involved. I’m just a fan, please don’t sue. 

Just a forewarning: this is more of a fluff/plot based fic, no smut/slash/smex. Sorry, but you were forewarned. 

 

Chapter 1:

A blinding light. Are my eyes even open? How did they get the room so damn bright? I stop for a second and take a deep breath. Slowly, noises start to find their way to my ears. They're muffled noises, barely audible over the loud roaring in my head. I realize my eyes are closed. How can I see a blinding light if my eyes are closed? Why won't my eyes open? And why can't I understand the noises around me? 

Then it hits me: like a thousand sharp knives, stabbing me all at once. Fuck, my head hurts! Finally, my body starts to react as I let out a weak moan. I hear some shuffling around me. I can feel something near me, as though there are people in the room. Where am I? What happened to me? Why can't I move or talk or see? Holy shit, am I dead?

Slowly my eyes begin to open. The noises finally become clear. "He's waking up! Guys! His eyes are opening!" I feel a hand in mine, though I cannot yet grip it. 

"Dean? Dean, you all right man? Can you hear me? Say something, man. Please, talk to me. I need to know you're all right." My eyes begin to focus. Some guy with long chick-hair is towering over me, staring down at me. I feel a blanket on top of me. There is something sticking in my hand. I can hear a faint beeping sound. Suddenly there are more and more faces around me. 

An older guy looking scared as hell approaches the end of the bed. “Calm down. You're going to scare him, idjit!” Bobby?! Why does he look so different? “Hey Dean, you all right?" He smiles weakly at me, but I cannot respond. I search his face, noticing now how old this man looks. It can’t be Bobby. This man is at least 15 years older than Bobby. I try to open my mouth to ask who the hell he is and where the hell I am, but nothing happens. I cannot control my own body. I blink a couple of times, trying to show any movement at all.

"He's blinking, that's a good sign." I try to look over toward the voice, but he’s out of my line of vision. Long-hair must notice this because he steps back and pushes the guy forward a little. He comes over to the side of the bed and puts a hand on my arm. I look over and am met with the bluest pair of eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. Like soul-piercingly blue. Like fuck-how-can-eyes-be-so-blue blue. I try to turn my head towards him but nothing happens.

"Cas, blinking is a reflex. It means nothing." An older woman with dark hair and kind eyes comes over and puts a hand on Blue Eye's back. Cas. Cas. I search my mind, trying to find that name among my memories but nothing is there. Who are these people? And what happened? I'm starting to get seriously frustrated. I focus with all of my energy and manage to move my eyes. I make direct eye contact with the older woman.

"Ellen! He's looking right at you! He just moved his eyes towards you. Keep talking!" The older guy impersonating Bobby says enthusiastically. 

"Hey, Dean. It's Ellen. Don’t worry, Jo’s here.” Jo? Who is Jo? Why does this lady think I’m going to know that name? “She just went to get a snack. How are you? You feeling any better?" She smiles. I search her face, trying to find any recognizable feature. Nothing.

I try once again to talk. My mouth moves, but I can't yet get any words to come out. "He's moving his mouth!" Blue Eyes says, squeezing my hand. "Hey Dean, it's me." Why are these strangers acting like I should know who they are?! And where the hell are Sammy and Dad? Why hasn’t anyone told me where they are? Instead, I know some chick named Jo is getting a snack. Big deal. Where’s my fucking family? 

"Why don't we give him some room for a while? He's had quite enough excitement lately." A doctor in a white coat steps forward. "I'll come get you all when I'm done examining him." A doctor? Oh shit, I’m in the hospital. That’s an IV sticking in my hand. And that beeping sound is a heart monitor. Holy shit!

One by one the strangers exit the room, waving goodbye as they go. Blue Eyes is the last one to leave, lingering for a second at the door, looking at me as though he can see into my soul, before finally walking out. It sends a shiver of chill up my spine. Who is that man and what is going on? 

The doctor comes over to me. "Hello Mr. Winchester, my name is Doctor Goldman. I'm your attending physician. Can you speak yet?" I try to talk but, again, only my lips move. No audible noises come out. "Don't worry, sometimes it can take some time to regain your abilities. You suffered quite a lot of trauma. Gave us quite a scare." He says, smiling to try and comfort me. 

A lot of trauma? What trauma? A million thoughts race across my mind. I don't remember any trauma, any suffering. The last thing I remember is Dad leaving on a case and me tucking Sammy into bed. The poor kid starts seventh grade at a new school in the morning and he’s terrified. I hate how hard it is on him, all this moving we do. But Dad can’t stop hunting. He’ll never stop until he gets his revenge on the demon that killed Mom. 

I move my eyes frantically, trying to give the doctor any sign that I’m freaking out here. I move my mouth, this time a weak grunt comes out. Sweet! I can… well, I can almost talk!

“Now, now, Mr. Winchester, calm down. You’ll be all right. Just calm down and relax. I know it can be frustrating not to be able to talk or move, but you’ll be fine in no time. Your abilities will slowly return. In the meantime, I need to examine you and make sure you’re still progressing. After that, your friends can return.”

So these people in the room are my friends? But they’re all so old. The youngest among them seemed to be Long Hair and he’s got to be pushing 30! Why are a bunch of adults friends with a 16 year old boy? That’s kind of creepy! 

The doctor comes over and shines a light in my eyes. I blink against the brightness. “I know it’s bright, but I’ll need you to keep your eyes open. I need to check your pupils to make sure they react.” The doctor puts a reassuring hand on my arm as he checks my eyes. My head is pounding and this damn light isn’t helping.

As the doctor continues to check on me, I feel myself falling asleep. I try to fight it, try to stay awake, but it’s no use. I slip back into unconsciousness.


	2. "Who... who are you?"

When I open my eyes again, the same people from before are back. I try to recall their names as they said them before, but I only remember my own names for them: Blue Eyes, Nice Lady, Long Hair, and Old Dude. 

I shift my gaze from one person to the next, my eyes stopping on a new person in the room. A girl. A pretty damn hot girl at that! I mean, seriously: yowza! Do I know her? I hope so! If not, maybe I can get to know her. She looks older than me, though. Oh no, I hope she’s not dating Long Hair or Blue Eyes. I hope she’s into younger men! 

“Hey, Dean-O.” She says. Okay, I do know her. Why the hell is she calling me Dean-O? What kind of a name is that? 

“Hhhhuuuuh.” I am barely able to speak, but I do manage to get a sound out. My eyes light up at the triumph. Looking around the room, I’m not the only one whose eyes are lighting up.

“Hey!” She says, starting to cry. “You can talk?” 

“Uhhh.” I manage to mutter.

“Dean, do you remember what happened?” Old Dude asks.

“Nuhhh.” 

“Do you know where you are, son?”

“Nuhhh.” 

“You’re in the hospital,” Long Hair says, coming to my side and putting a gentle hand on my arm. Whoa! Hands off there, bro-sef! Dudes do not touch other dudes! “You’re in Dayton, Ohio. You’re in the hospital. We didn’t know if you were going to make it. It was really scary there for a while.”

For a while? How long is a while? How long have I been in the hospital? Blue Eyes comes to my bed and sits down on the edge of it. He starts to reach for my hand but then stops and looks around at the others. “You’ve been in a coma for four months. You had a bad accident. Do you remember?”

“No.” I finally manage a real word.

“You were driving home after we got back from a case. “ Long Hair says. I shift my gaze away from Blue Eyes and back over to Long Hair. “You were on the highway. Somehow, a semi came over right on top of the car. Crushed it like a tin can. Thank god I’d convinced you not to take the Impala because of that noise it kept making. If we hadn’t put her up on blocks and started fixing her, you might have lost her. We really thought we had lost you, actually.”

Case? I was on a case? Where was Dad then? Why wasn’t he with me? And who was taking care of Sammy? And why did this guy think I would be driving the Impala? Sure, I had my license finally, but Dad would never let me drive the Impala on my own. 

“Do you remember leaving the roadhouse?” Old Guy asks.

“No.” I mutter. Roadhouse? Like a bar? Why was I at a bar? Who let a teenager into a bar? That doesn’t seem right.

“Do you remember coming out to Ohio with us?”

“No. Who… who are you?” I say faintly. A collective gasp fills the room.

“Dean, can you not remember us?” Blue Eyes asks, taking my hand. Long Hair reaches down and takes my other hand. Dude, seriously! What is up with the freaking hand holding here?

“No.” I say. I manage to pull my hand away from both of them. Sweet, I moved my hands on my own! No one else seems as proud of my movement as I do. Why are they all so shocked?

“You don’t remember us?” Nice Lady asks.

“No. Who are you?” I say again. My strength is slowly returning and I’m starting to regain control of myself.

“Dean! It’s me!” Long Hair’s voice pleads with me to remember. “It’s Sam.”

“Sammy?” I turn my head toward him, looking directly at him. This isn’t Sammy. Sammy is a little kid. He’s scrawny and short and obnoxious. Whoever this man is, he’s not- But wait. I had thought Old Guy was Bobby for a minute. Could it be possible? Could Sam and Bobby have really aged that much in the four months I was out? Or was this some sick, twisted joke? Was some punk-ass creature I didn’t know about mind-warping me or something? “You can’t be Sammy! Sammy is a 12 year old boy. He’s a scrawny, annoying little shit.” 

“Oh God!” Long Hair turns and walks toward the wall. He rubs a hand through his hair and turns back to me, looking distraught. I look at each of them, trying to figure out what’s going on.

“What is the last thing you remember?” Blue Eyes grabs my hand again, but I pull it away once more. He looks hurt. I didn’t mean to offend him, but I don’t want some dude I don’t know holding my hand.

“Dad left on a case. We were somewhere in Nebraska, I think. I tucked Sammy into bed. We were starting at a new school in the morning and he was nervous.” 

“What year was that?” Long Hair asks, coming back towards the bed.

“1995” I am immediately scared at the reaction I get from that.


	3. Oh good, more strangely homoerotic things to try and understand.

“Dean,” Nice Lady says softly, “it’s 2012.”

“No way! It’s 1995.” I say to her.

“No, sweetie. It’s 2012.” She repeats. 

Hot Chick goes over to her purse and fishes something out of it. She comes over to the bed and takes my hand as Long Hair moves away. Wait a minute, is this chick my girlfriend? Why is she taking my hand? Dude, I’m totally in!

“Dean…” she says, stopping to fight back tears. “You don’t know who we are, do you?” 

“No.” I say, more scared than I’ve ever been. She’s crying. What the hell happened to me? How have I missed seventeen years? Tears begin to sting my eyes. 

Hot Chick reaches up and hands me something. I take it and realize it’s a makeup thing that girls carry. I shoot her a curious look. I am not putting on frigging makeup! She sighs, with a small laugh, as she opens the compact and has me look into the mirror. 

I stare into the mirror, wondering who it is that’s looking back at me. The face in that mirror is a grown man, not a teenage boy! There are crinkles around his eyes, his skin is tanner than mine, and he’s definitely not me! I blink; he blinks with me. I turn my head; he turns his head with me. Every logical part of my mind is telling me that the face in that mirror is me. But there’s no way! I cannot be this man. It cannot be 2012. 

I turn and look at the man who claimed to be Sam. I study him for a moment, trying to find traces of my brother in there. After several minutes of staring at him, my eyes searching his face, I turn to Bobby. It’s Bobby, all right. He’s older and looks sadder, but that’s definitely Bobby. I can see it in his eyes, the set of his jaw, the way he holds himself. There’s no denying it: that’s Bobby, that man must be Sammy, and the face in the mirror must be me. 

I am reeling from shock. Seventeen years! I have lost seventeen frigging years?! How is that even possible? I look around the room, taking in the unfamiliar faces before me. These must be people I know. They certainly seem to know me. Bobby and Sammy are comfortable around them. But who are they to me? And what has happened since my last memory? 

“Why don’t we let him rest for a while, guys? We don’t need to freak him out,” Bobby says. They all slowly file out except for Blue Eyes.

“I’ll be there in a second,” he says, responding to the look Bobby is giving him. “Here,” he says, reaching into a pocket of the long trench coat he is wearing. “Read this. It might help.” 

He hands me a book, kisses my forehead, and walks out. Why did that dude just kiss me?! Hello, first rule of straight guys: no kissing. 

I turn my attention to the book. The front cover had two dudes on it, one of whom is shirtless. Oh good, more strangely homoerotic things to try and understand. The title says “Supernatural” by Carver Edlund. The dudes on the cover art look like a couple of freaking tools. 

I flip the book open and start reading. Dean and Sam? Hunters? Looking for their dad John? What the hell is this? Did Blue Eyes write down my history? Did he anticipate I would forget part of my life? The cover said “by Carver Edlund”. Is Blue Eyes this Carver dude? Did he turn my life into a book? What the hell? 

I spend the next several hours reading. Normally, I hate reading. But this book seems to be chronicling a part of my life that I cannot remember. There are so many things in there: the house fire, Mom dying, Dad raising us to hunt, Dad’s journal. Those parts of the book make sense to me. 

But there are others parts, too: Sammy abandoning us for college; Sammy’s girlfriend dying in the same manner Mom did; me having to convince Sammy to hunt; us trying to find Dad; me getting arrested. If this book is a chronicle of my life, it seems I’ve followed right in Dad’s footsteps. 

Sadly, none of the new people from my hospital room seem to be in this book. I had at first thought, rather depressingly, that Hot Chick might be Jess, Sammy’s girlfriend. But upon reading that Jess died, I knew Hot Chick couldn’t be her. I wish I had something to tell me more about them. I wish I knew who they were to me. Hell, I wish I knew their names even! 

It’s so damn frustrating to know that so much time has passed and, yet, not be able to recall any of it. And who is Carver Edlund? Why did Sammy ditch us? Where is Dad? How much of this book is actual truth and how much is literary embellishment? How am I supposed to stay sane when I know so little about my life? 

Frustrated, I throw the book down onto the floor just as the door to my hospital room opens. Blue Eyes walks over to the book and sighs, bending down to pick it up. The others file in behind him, making a semi-circle around my hospital bed. 

“Ring any bells?” Bobby asks, gesturing to the book in Blue Eyes’s hand.

“No.” I say, tears rolling down my face. Fuck! I hate crying! Especially in front of people. 

“It’ll come to you. Don’t worry.” He puts a hand on my foot.

“The doctor says you have amnesia. He says it’s to be expected after the type of head injury you suffered,” Sammy says to me, smiling as though a simple smile can comfort me. 

“Can you please all just introduce yourselves? Even if you think I know who you are. Tell me your name and some things about you. Because obviously a lot of shit has changed since I can last recall.”

“Of course, kiddo,” Kind Lady says. “Well, I’m Ellen. I own a roadhouse. This is my daughter Jo. My ex-husband was a friend of your dad’s. Hunting buddy. Got killed many years ago. Jo and I met you boys about six years back. You and Sam, that is. Bobby and I kind of unofficially adopted you boys as our own. We look out for you.”

“You and Bobby?” So this woman is Bobby’s… what? Girlfriend? Wife? Or just friend? I look between them. 

“Ellen and I got married last year. We’ve been together for a couple years now. You and Sam were groomsmen for us, though we just got hitched at City Hall. Nothing fancy pants,” Bobby clarifies for me.

Bobby’s been single, though certainly not celibate, since his wife died. I just can’t picture him settling down with someone. He’s always been my bachelor sort-of-Uncle Bobby. 

“Okay…,” I say apprehensively, “So, Jo? You’re Ellen’s daughter?” 

“Yes, sir.”

“And you’re like a sister to me and Sammy?” 

“Dude, can you please stop calling me Sammy?” I turn to look at him. “It’s Sam now. I’m not a little kid.” 

“Well, that’s for damn sure! You’re like freaking Sasquatch!” 

“Ha ha, Dean.” His face tells me this line of teasing is old to him, like we’ve done this a million times. This must be something I’ve teased him about a lot in the years I’ve forgotten. 

“I’m serious, dude. The kid I tucked into bed last night was scrawny and several inches shorter than me. You look like you could rip a tree out by the roots, man. I can’t believe you grew up to be so big, Sammy. Wait, are you- Are you taller than me?” 

Sam laughs at my question. “Now you sound like yourself again,” he chuckles. “Yes, Dean, I’m taller than you. I outgrew you before I even finished high school. You weren’t too happy the day you realized that.” He laughs at the memory, but the look in his eyes is tinged with sadness. 

“I’ll be damned!” I shake my head slowly. The room falls silent for a few seconds. “Wait, wait, wait… Ellen, you said you unofficially adopted me and Sam? Why? I mean, where’s Dad? Did he get arrested or is he in rehab or something?” I look around at the faces in the room and I’m pretty sure I already know the answer. No one will make eye contact with me. Everyone looks sad and a little awkward. 

“Dad, uh… Dad’s dead, Dean,” Sammy says, studying his shoes like he’s about to be quizzed on them. To be honest, I’m not even shocked. I think I’ve always kind of known that Dad’s life would be a short one. Ever since Mom died, Dad’s been basically dead on the inside anyway. 

My mind starts racing with a million questions. Did he drink himself to death or die on a case or succumb to illness? Did he ever get revenge on the demon who killed Mom like he’d always wanted to? Were Sammy and I there with him? Please tell me he didn’t die alone! I hope the universe was at least mercifully enough toward him to have his sons with him when he died.

“When?” is the only word I can articulate at the moment.

“About five years ago, little more than. We, uh… we were on a case. Closing in on the demon that killed Mom. He-“

“We were with him?” I shouldn’t have cut Sammy off in the middle of his explanation, but I’m just so relieved that he wasn’t alone. 

“Yeah,” Sam finally looks up at me. He rests a gigantic hand on the railing of my bed. “Yeah, we were with him, Dean.”

“Good. That’s good. I wouldn’t want him to be alone.” I look around the room to see everyone’s attention focused on Sam. They must all know the story, but they seem very interested right now, as though they’ve never heard Sammy’s side of it. It’s not until my eyes fall on Blue Eyes that I realize Sammy’s leaving something out of the story. Blue Eyes has a face that conveys his every thought. And, right now, it’s screaming, ‘Aren’t you going to tell him the whole story?’ 

But I can’t focus on that now. I’ll ask Sammy later, when we’re alone. Right now, I need to know who this man is standing next to my bed. Why is he here with us? What’s his importance in our lives? “So, uh…” I begin, my focus still on Blue Eyes. A second later, Blue Eyes looks back down at me and I lose my train of thought. He gives me a small, tight smile before looking away. 

“Yeah?” Sammy responds.

I wrench my gaze away from Blue Eyes and turn back to my no-longer-little brother. “Ummm… who is that, Sammy?” I manage to move my arm enough to indicate Blue Eyes. He looks honestly hurt by this, as though someone just stabbed his chest. He takes a couple steps back, moving away from my bed and turning to face the windows that look out into the hallway.

“That’s Cas, man,” Sammy replies, something in his expression is heavy but light at the same time. This whole memory loss thing is so infuriating because I should know what’s behind Sammy’s expression right now, but I don’t. I can’t even begin to guess because I don’t know this Sammy. He’s so different from the Sammy I last remember. Whatever thoughts are going on underneath all that hair, I’m not privy to them.

“Who’s Cas?” I ask, seeking further explanation.

“We’re… friends, Dean,” the man named Cas supplies, still looking out at the hallway.

I study him for a moment. He doesn’t seem familiar. I wrack my brain, trying to find a connection to this man, but nothing registers. And, suddenly, it’s not my brain that seems to know him, but my heart. I feel an unnamed fondness for this man. For reasons I can’t consciously recall, I know that there’s more between us than friends. “Just friends?” I clarify. And the smile that Cas is wearing as he turns around to look at me is blinding. I’ve never seen anything as brilliant in my life. 

“Why do you ask?” Sammy looks from me to Cas and back to me. He glances sidelong at the other three in the room, as though gauging their reactions. They don’t seem to react. But Cas is staring at me with a look of such fondness that I have to turn away and focus solely on Sammy.

“Well, seeing as how I’m in the ICU, it’s pretty much family only. You’re my brother, Bobby and Ellen are basically my parents, and Jo’s like my sister. So if Cas is just a friend, how is he able to be here visiting me?” I clarify. 

“So you mean ‘just friends question mark’ as in not family? Right?” Sam clarifies, glancing again at Bobby, Ellen, and Jo.

“Yeah,” I look at him, confused. “What else would I mean?” 

“Yeah. Exactly. What else?” I faintly hear Sammy mumble underneath his breath. No one else seems to hear it. Cas’s smile has completely disappeared from his face, leaving a mask of stone behind. I find myself hating that look, wanting to reach out and soothe it away until the smile returns. What the hell? 

“Why don’t we leave Dean and Cas alone to talk?” Sam suggests to Bobby, Ellen, and Jo. They all nod. 

As the other four exit, Cas steps back toward my bed and takes a seat on the edge of it. He watches the door until it closes with a click and looks at the windows to make sure the other four aren’t peering in from the hallway. I follow his gaze just in time to see Sam ushering the others down the hall away from my room.


	4. "You're everything to me, Dean."

Once Cas is satisfied that they’re gone and we’re alone, he turns back to me. He takes my hand again, seeming to forget that I’m not okay with a guy touching me like that. But the look in his eyes keeps me from pulling my hand away. 

“So… Cas, is it?” I ask, just to break the silence in the room. His shoulders slump. 

“I’m sorry, Dean,” he says, letting go of my hand. “I forgot for a moment that you don’t know who I am.” 

“So tell me who you are. Maybe I’ll remember.” My words don’t have the intended effect of lightening the mood. Instead, they seem to make Cas even more crestfallen. Something tugs at my heart, making me wish I could cheer Cas up. But I don’t even know this man in front of me. How can I possibly begin to cheer him up?

“Well, Dean, I’m… your friend.” He’s staring at the bed, refusing to make eye contact with me.

“But not just my friend, right?” I prod, hoping he’ll explain himself.

“No. I suppose you could say that we share a more profound bond than just friendship.”

“More profound as in?” I wait for him to explain again. Pulling information out of this guy is slower than waiting for paint to dry.

“You were in Hell. Sent there by a demon with whom you had made a deal.”

“Whoa!” I stop him. “I made a demon deal?! Why the hell would I do that?”

“You had to. To save Sam,” Cas clarifies. I take a moment to process this. That is totally something I would do: make a demon deal if it meant saving Sammy. But why did Sammy need saving in the first place? I want to know more, but I also still need to figure out who this guy is to me. I nod, letting him know it’s okay to continue. “You spent four months there, though it felt like forty years to you. But I saved you. I pulled you out of there and returned you to your body.”

“How?!” It seems impossible. What kind of weird mojo does this guy possess that he can go into Hell and pull someone out?!

“I’m an angel of the Lord, Dean.” Cas pauses, letting this sink in. 

“Yeah, right. There’s no such thing as angels.” 

Cas looks out the hallway windows, making sure no one can see him. He stands next to my bed and the next thing I know, there are large, black wings spreading out behind his back. 

The electricity in the room goes nuts for a few seconds, my monitors beeping like crazy. Cas quickly pulls his wings back in and sits down calmly on my bed. Seconds later, several nurses come rushing in. They stop short as they see Cas sitting on the bed nonchalantly and me laying there, dumbfounded but definitely alive.

“Is everything okay in here?” One nurse asks.

“Everything is fine,” Cas answers calmly. The nurse looks to me and, though I’m still completely dumbfounded by the fact that I’m sitting here with an angel with the most impressive wingspan ever, I nod in agreement with Cas. 

“Must have been a fluke,” another nurse supplies, seeming slightly annoyed. She turns and leaves, the other nurses following behind her shortly thereafter.

“Dude! What the fuck?” I blurt out as soon as the door clicks shut again.

“You needed proof. Our conversation would not have gotten further without it. It saved time.” 

“Oh, okay,” I reply sarcastically. Here I am, sitting with an angel, an actual angel, on my bed next to me, and he’s acting like this is a normal occurrence. 

“Since I’ve returned you from Hell, we’ve become… close.” He seems to choose the last word carefully but I can tell there’s more behind it. 

“Define ‘close’,” I prompt.

“We’re practically family,” he states simply. And I feel that’s true, in a way. But there’s more. We’re not brothers, like me and Sammy. But we’re very close. I can sense it. Maybe it’s just his angel mojo, but I feel completely at ease around him. Like he radiates a calm peace that my body is attuned to. 

I look down at our joined hands and wonder what the significance is. Do all angels hold hands? I’ve studied demon lore, but not angel lore. I didn’t even think angels were real until about three minutes ago. 

“So…” I hesitate for a moment before voicing my question out loud. “Do all angels hold hands with people they pull from Hell or is this some weird bromance we’ve established?” I smirk. Joking is such an ingrained defense mechanism for me that it just comes naturally. 

The grin is wiped right off of my face when I see the look in Cas’s eyes. He quickly pulls his hand away from mine and looks down at the bed with such pain in his face that it makes my heart ache. I start to open my mouth to say something, but then I notice his eyes watering. 

“Are you okay? I didn’t mean to make you cry! I’m sorry.” I say, trying hard to understand why he’s so upset. He just shakes his head and takes a deep breath. 

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.” He says, reaching up to wipe away a tear. For some reason that I can’t figure out, I reach up and stop his hand. I wipe away his tear for him. He smiles a little at me, another tear rolling down.

“Please don’t cry.” I beg him. “I don’t know why, but it hurts me to see you crying.”

“I’m sorry.” He says cupping my hand and pulling it into his cheek. “I’m sorry. This is just hard. I just love you so much and it’s hard for me to watch you go through this.”

Maybe angels are just really sensitive. Or maybe he feels responsible, like he’s supposed to be my guardian angel and he failed because I’m in the hospital. Or maybe we’re just extremely close friends. That must be it; we must be like family if he’s allowed in ICU to see me.

“Cas?” 

“Yeah?”

“Are we really close or something?” He stands up and turns away from me. He starts to walk out. “Cas! Please, I need to know. I don’t know who I am but I can at least try to figure out who I am to you.”

“You’re everything to me, Dean.” He says with his back to me. He exits, leaving me totally confused.


	5. “I’m in love with an angel?”

I lay there for several minutes, trying to figure out what just happened. I can’t understand what I did to Cas because I don’t know Cas. I don’t know how to read him. I can’t even begin to guess what I said to upset him so badly. 

I don’t have long to ponder it, though, before the door opens and Sammy reenters the room. I take a good look at him, noticing just how grown up he really is. It’s so weird to me, that this man could be my baby brother. I’ve clearly missed quite a bit in the 17 years I’ve forgotten.

“Where’s Cas?” He asks, looking around, concerned. 

“He walked out of here a couple minutes ago.” 

“Why?”

I shrug. “I honestly don’t know!”

A silence falls between us as neither of us can think of what to say next. Sammy comes over to my bed and looks me up and down.

“You’re still in the same position that you’ve been in. Can you move?” He looks worried.

“Not yet. I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually. Look how long it took me to talk again.” I laugh, trying to make light of my situation. He winces. “I guess the situation isn’t funny, but I can’t keep wallowing in my own misery. I need to look on the bright side to pull through.”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. Positive thinking really helps.” He smiles weakly at me.

Another awkward silence falls between us. 

“So, uh, there are books written about us?” I ask, referencing the book Cas gave me yesterday. 

“Yeah. We just found out a couple years ago. Evidently, the author thought he was just writing fiction. Turns out, he’s a prophet.”

“Like in the Bible?”

Sammy chuckles in response. “Well, he’s not in the Bible. But he is a prophet of God.”

“And God tells him to write about us?”

“I guess so,” Sammy shrugs his gargantuan shoulders.

“Is it all true? Or did he embellish any of it?” I wonder, thinking back to the book I’d read.

“It’s all true, actually. He writes what will happen to us before it even happens. He didn’t even know he was writing real events until we found him and told him who we were. He didn’t take that too well,” Sammy chuckles, remembering some experience that I can’t. 

“Are we famous?” 

Sam laughs heartily. “Sure Dean, we’re famous.” He laughs again, shaking his head.

“What’s so funny?” I can’t help keep a twinge of indignation out of my voice.

“You. As always.” He says, laughing. “No, we’re not famous. I mean, there are fan conventions and fan fiction written about us, but no one knows the books are real. And, to be honest, the books aren’t very popular anyway.”

“That’s too damn bad,” I joke, “I could have used a celebrity status to score some hot chicks.” I laugh but Sammy doesn’t laugh with me. It confuses me, since Sammy seems to think I’m so darn funny anyway.

“Dean…. You’re…” he pauses, searching for the right words. 

“I’m what, Sammy?” He scrubs a hand down his face and sighs heavily. He stands up and paces the floor, exhaling sharply and shaking his head. “Come on, just spit it out, dammit.” 

“Dean, you’re in a very committed relationship.” 

“I am?!” My voice goes an octave higher because that very much does NOT sound like something I would do. “Why the hell would I do that?” I don’t mean to sound so offended, but committing is something I definitely have no plans to do. Ever.

“Because you’re in love!” Sam protests, looking at me like I should have known this already. Which, hello Sammy: amnesia! Duh! 

“If we’re so in love then why the hell isn’t she here? Or is it Jo? She seems a little young for me, Sammy. Please tell me I’m not robbing the cradle.” 

“It’s not Jo,” he assuages my fears. 

“Why then why isn’t this woman that I’m supposedly in love with here with me? I mean, I almost died! If she cares so much, why isn’t she here holding my hand and staying by my bed day and night?”

Whatever I have just said is totally the wrong thing because Sam looks very much punched in the gut right now. “You honestly don’t know, do you?” 

“How am I supposed to know, Sammy?” I ask, getting quite annoyed. Does he think I want to not remember? Does he think amnesia isn’t frustrating as fuck? 

“Dean…” he stops and shakes his head.

“Just tell me, Sammy. I can take it.” I insist. But Sammy remains silent. “Dammit, Sammy, tell me!” I shout, starting to get genuinely angry.

“It’s Cas!” he explodes, looking like he’s ready to throttle me. 

And, just like that, all of my anger ebbs away and is replaced by confusion. Cas?! As in the angel? He’s not even human. How the hell is that possible? 

“Seriously? Cas?” I ask, remembering our interaction from before. 

“Yes. You’re very much in love with him.” Sammy replies, looking less annoyed with me.

“I’m in love with an angel?” I clarify.

“Yes,” Sammy chuckles, though nothing about the situation is humorous. 

“So, he’s my… boyfriend?” I ask, still not believing.

“Yes. And you love him so much. You should see the two of you together.”

“Are we… out? Does everyone know?”

“No! You’re too nervous to tell Bobby.”

“Why? Is he a homophobe?”

“Oh no, not at all! He’s just… well, his opinion means an awful lot to you. Besides, he got very riled up when he suspected that you and Jo might have had a thing for one another back when you first met.” 

“So what you’re saying is, I could be robbing the cradle if I really wanted to?” I know I shouldn’t be making jokes when my… boyfriend, though the word is difficult for me to think, is so upset. But it’s such a natural reflex that I can’t seem to shut it off. Sam just shakes his head as he pulls a chair over to my bedside and sits. A strange silence falls between us for several minutes.

“So, how do we act together?” I ask sheepishly. I’m not exactly embarrassed by this knowledge. Considering what my heart was telling me when Cas was in the room, it makes sense. But I am a little weirded out by the fact that Sammy knows. After I hit puberty and realized I batted for any and all teams that had pretty players on them, I did my best to hide the fact from my family. Dad wasn’t exactly open to alternative sexualities and I had always tried my best to be exactly the son he wanted me to be. 

“What do you mean?”

“Like… I don’t know. If people don’t know about us, then I guess we’re hiding our relationship? Was that his decision or mine or a mutual decision? What are we like in private? Why do you know if no one else does?”

Sammy cuts off my line of rapid questioning with a bark of laughter. I look at him wide eyed, wondering what could possibly be so funny about my confusion. “I, uh, had the misfortune of walking in on you two… together.” 

“Together together?! Like we were cuddling or like we were in the middle of a steamy late night session in the backseat of the Impala?” 

“Closer to the second option. But you weren’t in the Impala.” 

“Dude! Gross!” I say defensively. 

“Oh come on, Dean! Don’t be such a homophobe!” 

“It’s not gross because it’s a dude! It’s gross because you walked in on us. I do NOT want you in the bedroom when I’m working my magic.” 

“Okay, now you’re being gross.” And, suddenly, I realize that it’s like old times again. This is definitely my brother in front of me, no matter how much his physical appearance has changed. But knowing for sure that it’s Sammy poses another problem: everything he is saying must be true. Because Sammy wouldn’t lie to me! His laughter dwindles as he sees my serious expression. “What?”

“I’m just wondering how this is all possible? How you’ve changed so much. How I can’t remember 17 years of my life. How I’m in a serious relation with a dude.” 

“If you could see the two of you together, you would understand. You’re so perfect for each other. You belong together. Maybe you’re not really gay, maybe you’re just two men in love. I don’t know. But it fits. It works for you two.”

“It does?”

“Yes, you’re so cute together.” He teases, using the same voice adults use when speaking to little babies.

“Dude! Seriously! Not even funny!” 

“Aww!” he reaches up to pinch my cheek and I’m defenseless because I can’t lift my arm up enough to swat him away. “Is widdle Deany Weanie so emotional because he’s so in wuv?” He laughs and pulls his hand away as a blush spreads furiously over my face.

“Shut up, bitch!”

“Jerk,” he winks and all hint of teasing ceases with those words. A truce feels between us.

“Can you go find Cas and ask him to come back in here, please?” My voice so small even I’m having trouble hearing it. 

“Yeah. Sure. Why?” He stands up quickly but remains by my bedside, waiting to hear my explanation.

“I think I upset him earlier,” I reply. 

“Dammit, Dean,” he sighs.

“What?” I ask defensively. 

“It’s typical you, that’s all,” he says lightly. It’s clear he’s not teasing or admonishing me, but simply telling me information. “You used to mess up a lot in the beginning of your relationship with him. After I found out about you two, I finally understood why you two always seemed to be fighting. Just promise me you’ll be nice, okay?” 

“I honestly wasn’t trying to upset him earlier. I don’t even know what I did!”

“Okay, okay,” he puts his hands up to placate me. “I wasn’t trying to accuse you of being mean. It’s just… Cas is very much in love with you and you had a hard time with that at first. I just hate to think of you going through that again, that’s all.”

“I promise I will try to be kinder than normal. But I need to know some things, man. It might not be the happiest conversation we’ve ever had.” 

“That’s okay,” he smiles at me. “As long as you’re trying to be nice.” He pats my arm and walks out of the room. 

As I wait for Cas to come in, I mentally prepare myself to come out of my own closet. This is so weird, but seems so normal at the same time. I’ve always tried to hide that part of my sexuality and be the man I’m supposed to be. But I can’t deny that I definitely felt something when Cas was here. I just wish I could remember falling in love with him. I know this conversation is going to hurt him so much, but I need to know. I have to ask him.


	6. “I might not remember anything, but I know what my heart is telling me.”

“Hey.” Cas comes in and stands with his back against the wall, like a cornered animal. It’s obvious from his expression that Sam told him it would be a hard conversation. He’s very closed off and guarded right now. If I’m ever going to get information about us out of him, I’m going to have to soften him up.

“Come here.” I flash a sweet smile, trying to convey my sincere intentions not to be my usual asshole self. 

“Okay.” He hesitates before coming over and sitting in the chair.

“I talked to Sammy,” I start slow.

“I’m aware, Dean.” 

“He says you’re my boyfriend.”

“Yes.” He tilts his head at me, like this slow start is completely unnecessary. 

“He says we’re in love.” I want so badly to reach over and brush my fingers along the back of his hands, but my body is still uncooperative and weak from the coma I had been in. 

“We are.” His face lightens a little at this as his shoulders relax a little. I find myself smiling at him, the more relaxed he becomes. 

“How long have we been together?”

“A little over a year. Well, to be honest, we’d danced around the subject for a very long time before anything actually happened. But we’ve been what you refer to as ‘official’ for about fourteen months now.” He’s still sitting in the chair, not touching me. But his voice seems fonder now. 

“Oh. I see.” I don’t know what to say to him. I search for the right words, but this is all so awkward for me. I still can’t believe I’m in love with another dude, let alone an angel. It just seems to far-fetched to me. “I can’t believe I’ve stayed in a relationship for over a year!” I chuckle. “I used to be hit and run, if you know what I mean.” I wink at him but he does not seem to get the joke at all. 

“You don’t remember any of it?” He says, looking terribly hurt. God, this must be putting him through the ringer. I search my brain, trying to find Cas anywhere in there. Nothing comes to mind. I search his face, trying to imagine all the times I must have looked at him closely. Nothing. 

“Sorry.” I say. The look that comes across his face kills me. I wish I could remember just so that I didn’t have to see the pain in his eyes. This is killing me, even worse than the pounding in my head. My heart is breaking for this man whom I can’t remember loving. “I was surprised when Sammy told me. When he said I was with someone, I originally thought he might have meant Jo.” 

I instantly regret saying that. It seems like I’ve hurt him even more. He looks away, his chin tensing up as he fights back tears. I’m killing him with every word I say. I need to just shut up. 

I need to tell him I love him; something to cheer him up. But I don’t love him. At least I don’t feel like I do right now. I feel a fondness for him, but nothing beyond that. How can you not remember loving someone? How can you forget about all the shared moments, the intimacy, holding each other? We must have spent a lot of time together if we were in love for over a year. How does all that time just disappear from your mind? 

I feel hatred welling up inside of me. I could kill whoever was driving that semi that hit me. He ruined my life. And now I have to lay here, unable to move, watching waves of anguish crash against Cas’s heart, beating him with every word I say. I try desperately to remember but nothing comes to me.

“How did it happen?” I ask him, hoping his response will trigger something.

“What?” He tilts his head at me again and I find my heart leaping for joy. Something about that movement, that tilt of his head, is familiar and endearing to me. 

“How did we get together?” 

He buries his face in his hands and cries. I want to get up and hug him, but my body is still not responding to my brain. I can’t physically comfort him, but maybe I can mentally comfort him. Tears well up in my eyes as I find the strength to love this man I barely know. “If I could get up, I would come over there and hold you right now.”

He looks up at me through the tears. “You would?”

“Yes.”

“But you don’t even know who I am. You don’t even remember us.” He shakes his head.

“I might not remember anything, but I know what my heart is telling me.” 

He smiles through the tears and climbs into the bed next to me. He gently holds me, his tears landing on my cheek as he snuggles up to me. I turn my face towards him and look him in the eyes, hoping this closeness will help. His eyes are so blue, like nothing I’ve ever seen before. There is a depth to them that no human could possibly possess. I find myself entranced by this beautiful angel cuddled up against me. 

He leans in to kiss me before realizing that I don’t remember ever kissing him before. He stops himself and the tears begin flowing again.

“I’m sorry… habit.” He says, looking away from me as though he’s ashamed of himself.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could remember. I want to remember.” I really do.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself. It’ll take time, you can’t command it to happen. And I’m willing to wait as long as it takes for you to remember.”

I don’t want to say it, I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s like when I regained the ability to speak, I lost the ability to filter my thoughts. Before I know I’m even speaking, I hear myself say, “What if I never remember?” 

He buries his face in my neck and says nothing. 

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I shouldn’t have asked you that.”

“No, it’s a legitimate concern, Dean,” he says, pulling his head back and looking up at me. “Even if you never remember, I’ll still love you anyway. I’ll always love you, Dean.” As he lays his head back down on my shoulder, I feel myself slipping into unconsciousness again. 

This time, I don’t even try to fight it.


	7. “Aww, come on now, Clarence. Don’t get all huffy with me just because I like to flirt with your man.”

I wake up what seems like moments later, but Cas isn’t in the bed with me anymore. He’s over at the window, watching people moving about out in the hallway. Sammy is half asleep in the chair next to my bed. Ellen, Bobby, and Jo are sitting at a table in the room, playing cards. There are some new people sitting at the table with them: a short woman with a beautiful, round face; a scrawny guy with goofy features; a dark haired woman who smolders with sex appeal; another goofy guy, this one with a mullet; and an average looking dude who seems ill at ease with everyone around him, like he doesn’t quite fit in. 

“What are you guys playing?” I ask casually. Everyone immediately goes silent and turns to stare at me.

“Oh God, Dean! We thought we’d lost you again!” Ellen comes rushing over and gently kisses my forehead. 

“How long was I out for this time?”

“Two days.” Bobby says. I look over at him. He looks genuinely concerned, not an expression I’m used to seeing on Bobby’s face. It makes me feel concerned, too. If I’m going to be falling in and out consciousness, what does that say for my recovery? How long will it be until I’m ‘normal’ again? 

“It’s good to have you back.” Ellen says, coming over to the chair and nudging Sammy. He takes a breath and looks around, still groggy. “Brought you some friends, by the way,” Ellen adds as an afterthought. 

I look over to the new people in the room, studying their faces one by one. Nothing jogs in my memory though, so I shrug and turn back to Ellen. “Well, make with the introductions. It’s not like I know these people are anymore.”

Ellen chuckles at my lame attempt at humor and shakes her head. “This here is Ash, works at the roadhouse with me and Jo. Genius, but not so big on social norms.” 

“I can tell,” I chuckle. “That’s some nice 80s hair you have there, dude.”

“I like what I like!” Ash replies simply. I can tell this dude and I will get along just fine.

“This is Garth,” Ellen continues introductions. “Fellow hunter.” She shoots me a look that’s supposed to convey some meaning behind it, but I can’t comprehend it at the moment. Garth doesn’t say anything for a few moments, looking as though he’s lost for words. Finally, he pulls what looks like an old sock from his pocket, sticks it on his hand, and starts speaking. I look over at his hand, realizing this is a sock puppet and he’s trying to lighten the mood in the room with it. I roll my eyes heavily, not listening to a damn thing this guy is saying. I suddenly understand that look Ellen was giving me. I look over to see her turned away from Garth, smirking at how ridiculous he is. At least she’s polite enough to hide it. 

After Garth finishes whatever he is saying, I give a quiet little, “Nice to meet you,” before looking back to Ellen. She takes a moment to compose herself before continuing.

“That’s Meg, there. She’s a… well, she’s an interesting lady.” 

“Oh come on now, sweet cheeks, don’t sell me short. Dean’s a big boy, he can handle it. I’m a demon. But don’t worry,” she adds quickly, seeing me bristle at this news, “I’m on your side. I’m one of the good ones.” 

“Most of the time,” Jo coughs out, like she’s trying to disguise her words. Jo and Meg share a look, as though they’re best of chums teasing each other, before Meg turns back to me.

“Well now, Sextimus Prime, you just had to go and get your noggin busted didn’t you? It was nice of the doctors to patch you up. Shame they couldn’t fix your face,” she winks. 

I look around, genuinely confused. I’ve only seen a mirror once since my accident, but I don’t remember any bruises or lacerations to my face. Cas is just shaking his head, looking put upon. 

“Wow, Dean, you must have knocked your noodle pretty hard. That was a joke. You can generally tell when I’m joking with you.” Meg explains.

“Which is whenever you’re speaking to him,” Cas adds dryly.

“Aww, come on now, Clarence. Don’t get all huffy with me just because I like to flirt with your man.” Meg winks at Cas. For a moment, I’m shocked. I thought Sam said we weren’t out yet! Does Meg know about us?

Cas just sighs, exasperated, “As I’ve explained to you before, Meg: Dean and I are just friends. Close friends, of course, but there is nothing to imply that he is, as you say, ‘my man’.” Cas brings his fingers up to do little air quotes on the last two words. By the way everyone else is acting, this must be normal teasing from Meg. No one seems to believe her words.

“Uh huh, sure. You keep telling yourself that, Clarence.” Meg chuckles and goes back over to the table to sit down. 

“Anyway,” Ellen adds, somewhat uncomfortably, “this is, uhh...” she looks to the woman in the room that I don’t yet know. “This is Ruby. She’s a friend of Sam’s.” 

“More than a friend!” Meg pipes up from back at the table. I’m starting to like this Meg chick now that she’s teasing Sammy. It seems she teases everyone. 

“Meg, I’ve told you before that Ruby and I do not need to explain ourselves to you or anyone else.” It’s not a denial, though, which confuses me. I look to Sammy and see him blushing furiously. “We’re umm,” Sammy clarifies, “together.” He glances at Ruby then at me. 

“Oh,” is all I can say. Why is that a problem? Why does Sammy seem so embarrassed? 

“Don’t let the fact that no one’s killing me right now fool you, Dean,” Ruby chimes in. “They all hate me.” 

“They do not hate you!” Sammy protests. But it’s obvious from the expressions of everyone in the room that they, in fact, do. 

Just as I’m about to speak up, Meg beats me to the punch, “It’s pretty obvious that they do, Rubes! At least I don’t lie about what we are.” Meg laughs to herself. A very obvious tension fills the room.

“I didn’t lie!” Ruby defends herself. Again, the expressions on everyone’s faces make it pretty obvious that she did at some point. 

“Withholding is lying, my friend,” Ash says simply, going to join Meg at the table. 

Ruby looks angry but also like she’s trying to hold back. I decide saying nothing is my best option at this point. Everyone seems fine with Meg, even laughing along with her teasing. But no one seems to like Ruby except for Sammy. It’s clear from their faces that they wouldn’t allow her to be here at all if it weren’t for Sammy. 

To Ruby’s credit, though, she doesn’t leave. That scores a few points with me, since the easier option would be to walk out and get away from people who hate you. But the look she gives Sammy tells me that she’s sticking around for him. To her, he’s worth it. That kind of admiration for my baby brother definitely earns her some respect. I just hope my gut feeling is mistrust and anger toward her is wrong. 

Ellen clears her throat nervously. At first, I think it’s to break some of the tension in the room. But as I look around, I see that everyone’s become even more tense, if that’s even possible. “He, uh,” she says, pointing to the last person in the room who hasn’t been introduced, “he’s Adam.”

I wait for her to add more, but she falls silent. And, okay, yeah, THAT’S not suspicious as hell. “And who is Adam?” I ask.

“He’s our brother, Dean.” My head turns faster than it should be able to, given our condition. 

“What?! Our brother?! What the hell, Sammy? Don’t tell me I’ve not only forgotten 17 years but another family member as well!” My monitor starts making noise as my emotions get away from me.

“Dean, calm down,” Cas says sweetly, coming over to sit on my bed. He rubs my arm soothingly, which no one seems to find strange. Oddly enough, I do find the touch extremely relaxing, like a medicine taking over and soothing my nerves.

“Angel mojo,” he leans in and whispers to me. “That’s what you call it.” I simply nod, not knowing how to react the fact that my supposed boyfriend just used his angel juju to magic me into calming down. 

“He’s our half brother, Dean,” Sammy pulls my attention back to the room at large. “He found us last year, when his mom went missing. He called Dad’s phone and you answered. He didn’t know he had brothers. He was just trying to call his Dad for help.”

“He’s honestly our brother?” I look from Sammy to Adam and back again.

“I know it’s hard to believe, Dean,” Adam says, coming closer. “Hell, I didn’t really believe it at first. I mean, I didn’t see Dad a whole lot, but still, he never mentioned you guys. It’s kind of funny, though,” Adam looks at Sammy and then back at me, “Sam always says you and I resemble each other, even though we both look like our moms. I guess Dad had a type, huh?” He raises his eyebrows, as though he expects me to answer his question. 

“So I’m supposed to believe that I lost 17 years of my memory that include becoming friends with angels and demons and discovering my long lost baby brother?” I can’t keep the incredulity out of my voice. 

“Actually, yeah,” Bobby finally speaks up. Had it been anyone else, I might have laughed and told them I don’t believe them. But Bobby wouldn’t lie to me. Not about something this important. 

“I’ll be damned,” is the only response I have left in me. 

“We’re just going to step out in the hallway for a moment, let you guys have family time.” He says, nodding towards the others in the room.

“Wait… umm, I need to talk to Cas, too.” I look at Sammy with pleading eyes, hoping he’ll help me out with some excuse.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea, Dean.” Sammy says simply, not offering an excuse. But it seems no one else needs one. They accept that Cas is included in the Winchester brothers little heart-to-heart. They start to file out, Meg winking at me suggestively, Ruby stopping to give Sammy a very flirty look before exiting, and Garth, Jo, and Ash entering into an animated discussion about the physics of ninja stars and whether they’d be an effective weapon against monsters.


	8. I honestly believe that I will be okay one day.

Once everyone is gone except for Sammy, Cas, and Adam, Cas comes over to my bed and sits down on the edge of it, taking my hand and pulling it to his lips for a kiss. My first instinct is still to pull away, but I override that instinct in favor of not upsetting Cas yet again.

“So, umm, does Adam know?” I look from Cas to Adam.

“Yeah, Dean, I know.” Adam says, laughing at me. “I teased you pretty mercilessly at first, but I honestly think you two are great together. Cas is good for you.” Adam comes over and lays a hand on Cas’s shoulder. 

“Thank you, Adam. As always.” Cas looks at Adam with such familiarity that I don’t feel the need to question his legitimacy as my brother. I don’t know what it is about Cas, but I know he wouldn’t lie to me about something this important. Cas turns back to me and smiles sweetly. “How’s your head?”

“A little better. Not much. I guess if I want to stop having such bad headaches, I need to stop letting semis nearly crush me.” I laugh at the dumb joke but no one else does. I’m not sure what that’s about, but no one is offering me any explanation.

Cas shifts nervously on the bed. “I spoke with your doctor, he’s ordered another CT scan, just to make sure you’re okay.”

“Another? How many have I had?” 

For a moment, nobody says anything. Then, suddenly, Sammy stands up from the chair and crosses the room with such strength that it’s almost terrifying. Adam goes over to him, recognizing some reaction in him that I don’t.

“Sam, he’s going to be okay! The doctors are optimistic.” Adam puts a hand on Sam’s arm, but Sam shrugs it away. It’s not a violent or angry gesture, but Adam looks troubled nonetheless. 

“Dean, we thought we had lost you for sure, man. The doctors were predicting the worst. They said you would have brain damage or be paralyzed or be in a coma forever.”

“Sam, don’t,” Adam sighs, exasperated.

“He needs to know, Adam!” Sammy insists. I look at him curiously, finally understanding that my little brother really has grown up. When we were kids, it was ‘protect each other no matter what cost’. Now, it seems, we’re at a point where we can be honest with each other because we know the other one is strong enough to handle it. 

“Sammy, I’m okay. Look at me. I’m fine.” I try to ease his concern. I know he’s right to be concerned, but I don’t feel dismal or hopeless. I honestly believe that I will be okay one day.

“But you can’t move,” he walks back to his chair and collapses into it. Adam follows him, stopping next to bed so that he, Sam, and Cas form a small triangle of those closest to me. 

“Well, yeah, I’ve been laying down for four months. I’m sure my muscles are just weak.”

“Atrophy.” Cas pipes up, smiling down at me sadly.

“It makes sense,” Adam puts a hand on Sam’s back, “besides you told me yourself that it took him a long time to talk again. Maybe it’ll just take some time for him to move again.” 

“I know, it’s just hard. I wish I could help him, that’s all.” Sam puts a hand on Adam’s and smiles up at him. 

“Sam, you are helping. By being here.” I smile at him and he smiles back.

“Hey! You smiled a full smile that time!” Cas perks up. “Before you had this weird kind of half-lip thing going on.” He makes a face to show me what my smiles looked like before. I let out a laugh, which hurts my head. I wince a little and Cas puts a hand on my cheek. “Sorry.”

“No need to apologize. Everything hurts my head right now. Besides, laughter is the best medicine,” I wink at him.

“So is love.” He says, taking my hand again. For a second, I feel something new rising up inside of me. I don’t know what it is, but I hope it comes back.


	9. I want him to go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: Dean gets very angry in this chapter and says some things he doesn't mean.

After our little heart-to-heart, everyone came back in for a few hours. It was obvious that there was still tension with Ruby being here, but she and Sam seemed so happy together that I didn’t mind it. It was actually quite a light-hearted afternoon, with people telling me stories and playing card games, and just enjoying each other’s company. I hoped that this was the norm for our lives, but something told me it wasn’t. Life was never that easy for anyone I knew. 

Around six o’clock, people started saying their goodbyes and heading out. Even Sam and Cas claim that they have to be somewhere, though they don’t specify where. It’s kind of nice for me, though. I haven’t had much alone time since I woke up from the coma and I’m kind of looking forward to it. 

“You need me to shift your position before I go? Last chance before the morning.” Sam says playfully. 

“Actually, yes I do. My ass is asleep.” I reply.

“Dude, too much information. Keep your ass and its sleepiness to yourself.” He comes over and shifts me into a new position. “Is that good?”

“Perfect.” I reply.

“Hey, you’re not doing that silly Muppet face anymore.” Ellen laughs.

“What silly Muppet face?”

“The weird facial expression that I was telling you about.” Cas chimes in.

“Oh, my smile.” 

“That’s the one.” Ellen says, giving me a gentle hug. “See you tomorrow, kid.”

“Bye.”

“Take care, Dean. Get some sleep. Just not two days worth.” Jo says without meeting my eyes. She quickly follows her mother out the door. 

Everyone else chimes in with goodbyes before heading out as well. Meg even comes over to the bed to plant quite a flirty kiss on my cheek. Cas looks rather annoyed by this, but says nothing. 

“Aww, Clarence, don’t be jealous,” Meg teases him. “I promise not to steal your boyfriend!” She winks at me before heading out the door. Cas waits until she is out of the room to come over to my bed.

“Do you want me to stay?” Cas asks timidly.

“Umm, I don’t know.” I don’t want him to, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

“You don’t have to say yes, Dean,” he tells me, cupping a hand to my cheek and smiling softly. Even though it shouldn’t, the action bothers me quite a bit. Even if I am in a relationship with this dude, I cannot see myself being this lovey dovey and touchy feely. It’s just not me. I can’t have changed so much that I’d allow this much touching all the damn time. 

“I kind of just want to be alone right now. Sorry.” I expect him to frown or wince, instead he smiles and moves his hand away.

“You don’t have to apologize. I don’t blame you for wanting alone time. Hell, we’ve been crowding you since you woke up.” He walks over to a bag in the corner that I hadn’t noticed and pulls out another ‘Supernatural’ book. “While we’re gone, read this.” He says, handing it to me.

“What is it?”

“More of your life. I figure it can help catch you up on some things. And, hell, maybe it’ll trigger a memory or something.” He smiles.

“Thanks.” I say. I don’t know why, but I suddenly feel very harsh towards him. I just want him to leave me alone and stop trying to force me to remember. I want him to stop smiling at me and holding my hand. I want him to go away.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Love you,” I roll my eyes at that. I have no idea why I’m being so rude to him. It’s like I can’t stop myself. “You always did react rather poorly when I say that. It’s a good thing I’m not calling you any pet names because you truly hate those, smoochie poo” he says teasingly, coming over and playfully pinching my cheeks. I bat his hand away.

“Leave me alone!” I snap at him.

“Sorry.” He says, withdrawing in shock. “Are you okay?”

“No I’m not fucking okay! Why does everyone keep asking me that? I just woke up out of a coma to the stunning revelation that nearly twenty years of my life have disappeared! I found out that my dad is dead, I have a brother I never knew, I’m friends with demons. I’ve got people constantly poking me and getting in my face. No one will shut up for even a few seconds and everyone seems to think it’s okay to hold my fucking hand. I just want to be left the fuck alone, thank you very much. Oh, and the big old cherry on the sundae is that I’m a cock sucking homo!” I have no idea where these words are coming from. I know they’re not me, but I can’t stop my mouth from saying them.

“Dean, calm down. This can’t be good for you.”

“Don’t you dare tell me what is or isn’t good for me. You don’t even know me!” I shout, noticing the spike in my monitors. Cas seems to notice it, too. 

“I know you better than you know yourself and I know that this is not the real you talking! We need to get a doctor, something is wrong!”

“Nothing’s wrong. Maybe this is the new me. The ‘normal’ me. The ‘straight’ me. The ‘I don’t love you anymore Cas’ me!” I scream at him, my words cutting even myself like a knife.

“Point taken.” He says, disappearing into thin air. While his sudden disappearance confuses me, it also fills me with shame and regret. I don’t want to be cruel to Cas. He’s done nothing to deserve it! Not to mention what he’s already been through with me being in an accident and a coma. But I couldn’t stop myself. Anger and vitriol just came boiling to the surface and I couldn’t stop it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 

My emotions race, switching from anger to shame like a child toggling a light switch. I grab my head as another stabbing pain takes over. My head feels like it’s under a garbage compactor, crushing in on itself slowly and painfully. I press the nurse call button as a blinding light hits me again. Everything goes away as the roaring in my ears starts up again. I can’t see or hear anything anymore. I can’t feel anyone near me. The only thing that exists is that damn brightness, clawing at my brain, tearing apart my head.


	10. “I don’t even know if you’re sorry or not.”

I lay in the dark room, staring up at the ceiling. I can feel something new on my head, something soft and bulky. I try to move to touch it, but I can’t. I guess the accident must have really fucked me up. The last thing I remember is being pinned inside of my car, watching the police lights swirl around me. I couldn’t hear anything and there was so much going on around me that it was hard to focus, but I knew I was in bad shape. After all, it’s not everyday you’re stuck in your crushed car in a puddle of your own blood.

Goosebumps creep over my skin as I realize that this memory is not from my point of view. I am remembering watching myself inside of the car, but the perspective is from the outside of the car, as though I am looking into the car at myself. I can remember seeing my car all smashed up underneath a semi… but it can’t be real. If I were pinned in that car, I wouldn’t have been able to see the semi. Did I have an out of body experience? Did I die and somehow come back to life? What the hell happened on that highway?

Somewhere around eight a.m. my doctor comes in with a clipboard. “Ah, Mr. Winchester! How’s my favorite head case doing today?” He laughs but my body doesn’t respond to the joke. “Sorry, a bit of physician’s humor.” He smiles at me. “So, how are you feeling today?”

I struggle with my own body to talk, to move, to do anything to indicate to him that I’m cognizant. Mentally I am screaming, but physically nothing happens. I look right at him, hoping that eye contact will show him that I’m here.

He closes his eyes and exhales deeply. Oh no! What does that mean? “Mr. Winchester, I’m afraid you suffered another aneurism. Your quick action in hitting the call button helped us to treat you in time to save your life, but we don’t yet know what damage has been done. We had to remove a part of your skull to relieve the pressure on the brain. Looks like you’ll be here for a while longer, Mr. Winchester. But, no worries, you’re in good hands. I’ve been doing this for a long time and your friends and family have been here for you through all of this. You have plenty of people watching out for you.” 

My friends and family? Have Sam, Cas, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and Adam been here? Who else has come to see me? God, I hope Sam told Ruby to stay away. I do not need to deal with that bitch. Man, I could really use some family time right now, though! Judging by the dark sky outside, it’s probably way past visiting hours. Hopefully, they’ll be back tomorrow.

The doctor walks over and checks my monitors. “Looks like everything’s pretty stable. Are you in any pain? Blink once for yes and twice for no.” I blink once. “Can you move?” I blink twice. “Can you feel your legs.” I blink twice again. He walks down to the foot of my bed. “Can you feel this?” He taps my toes one by one. I blink twice again, letting him know that I can’t feel it. 

After what seems like hours upon hours of different doctors coming to talk to me, examining me, and poking at me, I’m finally left alone in my room. I lay back and stare at the ceiling. It seems like that’s all my body is capable of right now anyway. God, I hope I don’t end up stuck like this. 

I hear a knock at the door and look over to see Cas come into the room. He stands just inside the door and looks over to the outside window. Why is he standing way over there? Why doesn’t he come over to me? Why doesn’t he look at me? I try to talk, to say something to him, but I can’t.

He finally turns to look at me and my heart soars as I see his beautiful face. God, I’m so glad he’s here. Having him near me practically erases the pain in my head. I try to smile at him, but nothing happens. He looks at me with a face of stone and my heart goes out to him. He must be taking this all so hard.

“I’m not going to pretend like what you said didn’t hurt me. It did. Terribly. I realize that you have suffered a head injury and that you might not have control of your emotions, but those words came from somewhere. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you must have been thinking those things before. And that’s what hurts so badly.” He chokes back tears. 

What the hell is he talking about? What did I say to him? I can’t remember saying anything that might hurt him. Before I left the on the case, I told him I’d see him later. Is he mad because I didn’t say I loved him? Bobby and Ellen were right there; I couldn’t say it! 

“I thought we were doing so well, you know? I thought we had moved past the awkward denial part. But I guess I was wrong. I guess you’re still not ready to accept me.” What did I do? I want to scream, but I can’t. I can feel tears rolling down my cheeks, burning my skin. “Don’t you have anything to say?” I try, but I can’t. “Say something dammit!” He screams at me through the tears and my heart breaks. “At least say you’re sorry. Or if you’re not sorry, tell me so I can move on and try to stop loving you so damn much!” 

I try again to say something, but nothing happens. He looks at me and sees me crying. “Dean?” Nothing. “Dean?” Still nothing. “Oh shit! Dean, can you talk?” He waits for a response, but obviously gets none. “What happened?”

He comes over and puts a hand on my cheek. I close my eyes and inhale sharply, so glad that he’s finally near me. “Shit. Shit! Shit!” He says, standing up and pacing rapidly. “Shit! I can’t believe this is happening. Not now. Not after last night.” I try to remember what he is talking about. The only thing I remember from last night is being pinned in my car for hours. 

He stops at the foot of my bed and looks at me, tears rolling down his face. “I don’t even know if you’re sorry or not.” His voice is so weak and small it kills me. The powerful angel that I love is gone, leaving a small, scared shell of the Cas I know. I want to go over to him and hold him and tell him that I’m sorry for whatever I said or did. He’s like a frightened child who can’t find his mommy. Poor Cas. I love you, baby. It’s okay. Whatever happened, we can fix it. Please don’t cry, baby. Please. 

He goes to a table in the room and sits down. He buries his head in his hand and his whole body shakes. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sam come in the room. He starts to walk towards me but stops when he sees Cas. “Cas? Are you okay?” Sam goes over to him and puts an arm around him. God, I wish that were me comforting him right now.

“What happened, Cas?” Cas looks up at Sam and smiles weakly. He wipes his eyes with his sleeve and sniffs. 

“We had a fight last night and now he can’t talk again and I don’t know what to do, Sam.”

“Cas, what happened? Start from the beginning. What was the fight about?”

“I called him a pet name, just teasingly like I sometimes do. He said not to call him that.” I listen closely. “He slapped my hand away and said not to touch him. He started going crazy, yelling at me. He said he’s straight and that he doesn’t love me anymore!” Cas breaks down sobbing. I didn’t say that. I would never say that! Of course I love him! He’s my everything! 

“Cas, he’s been through a lot. I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said. Do you have any idea how much he loves you? God, I get tired of hearing it sometimes. I mean, sometimes I take the phone off my ear and set it down while he’s talking about how awesome you are.” If I could move, I would punch Sam for telling him all of this. Our conversations are supposed to be confidential! Oh no Sam, please don’t tell him what I said last week!

“In fact, just before the accident,” he continues blathering like the idiot he is, “he was talking about you two getting married.” I am so going to kill my dumbass brother when I can walk again!

“He did?” Cas look up hopefully.

“Yes,” Sam tells him, soothingly.

Castiel smiles through the tears and looks over at me. “I would love to marry you, Dean.” His smile suddenly fades. “It’s a moot point now, though, isn’t it? He doesn’t remember who he is! He doesn’t remember saying that to you. He doesn’t even remember me. I mean, what if he’s stuck like this? What if he never remembers?” 

What does he mean? I know who I am! I know who he is! I could never forget him! My entire body tenses from the sheer frustration of this situation! Just as my mind is trying to scream to Cas how much I love him, I feel suddenly weak. My eyes roll back in my head and I feel myself slipping away. 

Suddenly, I am outside myself, watching my body slip back into unconsciousness. I look over to the table where Sam and Cas just were, but no one is there. I’m all alone, watching my body living without me. I lean against the wall and watch myself, unconscious and all alone.


	11. "I want to try to remember just how much I love you.”

I wake up, shaking and sweating from the nightmare. I don’t know what I was dreaming about, but from how fast my heart is racing, I don’t want to know. I know Cas was there and Sam, too, but other than that I can recall nothing from the dream. I look around the room and see Cas standing next to the outside window, looking out at the view. What is he doing here? I would have thought our fight would have driven him as far away as possible. Did he forgive me? God, I hope so!

“Cas?” I say weakly.

“Hey, you.” He says, turning towards me but not coming closer. “You okay?”

“I think so. You?”

“I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me. We just need to focus on getting you better.”

“Look, I’m sorry about what I said. I don’t know who that was, but it wasn’t me. I couldn’t control myself.” 

“Dean, I know it wasn’t you… but those words came from somewhere. You didn’t just pull them out of thin air. And you’re right, you’re not okay. Last night proved it.” He takes a deep breath. “That look in your eye… Dean, I’ve never seen such anger. And I’ve lived a very long time! I know you’re frustrated, that’s to be expected, but your eyes had so much more than frustration in them. You really scared me.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I wish I could take it back.”

“But you can’t.” He says, turning back to look at the view. 

I look beyond him, to the glow of the city lights in the middle of the night. The contrast of hundreds of lights against the dark black sky is beautiful. I would much rather stay silent, looking at the view, but I know I have a mistake to make up for. I have to get him to understand. No, I don’t know him. And no, right now, I don’t love him. But I know I am not a bad person and I can’t leave him hurting like this. I have to make amends.

“You’re right. It is frustrating. I can’t make you understand just how frustrating it is. I can hardly do anything. I can’t roll over, I can’t sit up, I can’t even go to the bathroom on my own. And I am trying so damn hard to remember you people. But that’s all you are right now: just people. I don’t know you.” He winces. Tears begin to sting my cheeks. My God, how many times can I cry in twenty-four hours? “I’m sorry. I’m not saying this to hurt you, but you have to understand. When I woke up, I couldn’t move. And some stranger was holding my hand. In fact, I was surrounded by strangers. And all of them are worried about me and all of them have memories of me and all of them claim to love me. On top of it, I learn that I’ve lost seventeen years of my life. 

“I mean, I can see it’s Bobby, just a much much older version of him. But Sammy doesn’t look the same at all. So I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that I’ve lost all of that time. Even when Jo hands me a mirror and shows me my face, I still can’t stomach it. And then, I’m talking to you guys and Sammy and I are joking around and it’s just like old times! And it hits me, you know, you guys aren’t lying. This isn’t some sick, twisted joke by a trickster or a djinn dream or some other freaky thing. I really have lost the memory of the majority of my life. And I don’t know what to do with that. 

“And then Sammy tells me that I’m basically gay and I’m in love with you. And I can see it in your eyes. I can see that you love me. So I know it’s real. I have living proof that this is really happening to me. And I can see that everything I say and do is hurting you. And I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to hurt you. Because if I love you as much as Sammy says I do, then I would never want to hurt you.”

He puts his forehead to the window and I see his body wrack with sobs. We stay silent for a minute, trying to control our emotions. Finally he turns around and comes closer to me. He still doesn’t dare to touch me, but at least he’s closer now. “What the hell do we do now, Dean?”

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know.”

We sit in silence, just looking at each other. I want to ask him to tell me about us, but I’m afraid it will only hurt him more. I want to ask him to describe what sex with me is like, so maybe I’ll know what we have together, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I want to ask him to come hold me; not just because it might help me remember, but because I’m desperate for some comfort. 

“Cas?”

“Yeah?” He looks up at me.

“How come you only call me pet names when you’re teasing? Do I really bar you from doing that at other times?” 

“I call you Dean most of the time. But, yeah, every now and again I’ll slip and call you a pet name and you’ll get upset with me for being mushy. You don’t take kindly to pet names, Dean.”

“I think I might be okay with it now. That is, if you want to.” I smile sheepishly and bite my lip. I’m embarrassed to admit this, since it seems like a form of weakness. But I soon forget my embarrassment as I see the look in Cas’s eyes. It’s very clear that calling me by a pet name is something Cas would very much love to do.

“I’ll call you whatever to want, Dean,” he says with a sort of reverence in his voice. It makes me genuinely happy inside.

I try hard to keep talking, fighting my urge to fall asleep again. I don’t want to lose this opportunity to make it up to him, to make amends. I swallow hard and finally ask the question I need to ask. “Cas, I know this is asking a lot of you, and you don’t have to do it if it’ll hurt too much…” he looks at me, concerned, “but could you tell me about us? How we got together, what we do together, everything? I want to know. I want to know why you love me so much. And I want to try to remember just how much I love you.” 

He slowly nods but doesn’t start talking. He pulls a chair to the edge of the bed and sits down in it as he mentally prepares himself. I move my hand towards him, but he withdraws. “I’m sorry, no. I just... I can’t touch you right now.” He holds his hands up in a pleading gesture. “I’m sorry but I have to get through this, no matter how much it hurts. And if I touch you, I won’t be able to talk. So please, just let me talk. No interruptions, no touching, just let me say what I have to say.”

We spend the rest of the night with Cas sitting next to my bed, telling me all about our relationship. The good times, the not so good times, even the most mundane, boring times. By the end of it, he’s crawled his way into the bed with me and is cuddling me softly. Despite how different it feels from normal, I find myself relishing the feeling of having him next to me. We fall asleep together, hand in hand.


	12. I wish the other Dean remembered Cas like I do.

Once again I am leaning against the wall, looking at myself. It’s like me and my body are two separate entities. Like Dean-O, the body, and Dean, the memory. Of course whatever consciousness is in control of my stupid body would never believe this. I fight back the frustration as I watch Cas shift in the bed next to my body. Both my body and my spirit are grinning from ear to ear. I wish the other Dean remembered Cas like I do. It’s so damn frustrating not to be able to help myself remember. 

“Hello! Here I am!” I scream at the other Dean, coming over to the edge of the bed and getting in my body’s face. “I’m right here, dipshit! Wake up and look at me. I remember. I remember everything that you don’t, dumbass. Did you know you were going to marry him? You just paid a shit-ton of money for a ring that he would love! You even had it engraved with both of your initials and these cute little bees buzzing around a heart! You were going to surprise him at your two year anniversary dinner. You were going to ask him to marry you and be yours forever. We love him you idiot! Why can’t you remember?!” I slap myself in the face, but nothing happens. My hand goes right through me. 

Holy shit! I’m a ghost! But I’m not dead, my body is right there! I can see my heart monitor still beeping, still showing that I’m alive. How is this happening? How can I see my body? And why can’t my body remember anything? “Damn you, Dean! You suck!” I scream, more at myself than at my body. I try to touch my body again, but it’s no use. I’m as thin as air. I think not having a body is more frustrating than not having a memory. 

I walk over and try to touch Cas. I rub his arm, hoping that he can feel me. He moves his arm, as though he might. I tap him on the shoulder and his other hand comes up and smacks at the air around him. He can feel me! Holy shit! I might not be able to feel me, but Cas totally can!! 

I have to wake him up. I have to make him try to see me. I reach down and poke his side. He wiggles but doesn’t wake up. Dammit, he was always so hard to wake up. This guy could sleep through an earthquake. More than once he’s slept through me singing in the shower, which could wake the dead.

I reel back and give him a firm, hard slap on the ass. Cas wakes up with a quickness and his hands fly to backside. “Ow! What was that?” He sits up and looks around. He looks at my sleeping body and gently gets out of bed, not wanting to wake me. 

I walk to him and tickle his neck. “Who’s there?!” I tickle him again. “Who keeps doing that?” Finally, I have a way of getting through to him. I have a way of letting him know that I remember! I reach up and mess up his hair, despite its already disheveled look. “Who is touching me?” He starts trying to fix his hair. “Wait a minute, who am I talking to? There’s no one here.” I poke him. Hard. “Ow, okay, okay, something’s here. Fine.”

Overwhelmed by the fact that he can sense me, I laugh. To my surprise, he turns and looks in my direction. “Did you just make a noise?”

“Yes!” I scream, but he doesn’t respond. He waits for me to make another sound. “Cas! Cas!!” I scream but I can see that he doesn’t hear me. I have to try to figure out how to make him hear me or see me.

“If something is here, can you please touch my arm?” He asks. I obey and he smiles. “Can you touch my arm again?” I do it again and he grins goofily. It’s the same grin I’ve seen him sport when he’s discovered something new. It takes quite a lot to bewilder Cas and he loves those moments. He loves realizing that he hasn’t discovered every secret of the universe quite yet. 

“Not that I don’t believe that someone’s here, but that could be coincidence. I need something concrete, something to prove that you really are here. Can you tap my shoulder three times?” I obey. “Four times?” I tap four times. “Can you move those playing cards on that table?” 

I walk over to sit at the table. I scoot a chair out a little as I sit in it. I don’t know how I did it, but the chair actually moved. Cas looks at the chair, trying to focus on whatever might be near it.

“Did you just move that chair?” He waits for a response. “Can you move it again?” I am too busy watching my body, hoping to God that the other Dean doesn’t wake up. I can’t do this when Dean’s awake. I have to keep him asleep. “I’m waiting for you to move the chair again.” Cas says loudly, obviously to the fact that he’s waking me up. I see my body stirring. I panic and go over to the bed. 

“Keep sleeping Dean. You need to sleep, man. You’ve been through a lot.” My body keeps stirring. “If you wake up now, you’re going to have a wicked headache.” I try to talk Dean out of waking up, but it’s not use. I feel myself slipping back into him now. Pretty soon Cas and Dean fade and I am trapped inside my body again.

I wake up and Cas is sitting at the table across the room. “Cas? You okay?” He looks excited, like the doctor told him I can go home or something.

“Dean, there seems to be something here. Some invisible force not even I can see. It’s not an angel or a demon. It touched me.”

“What?” I ask, still groggy.

“I felt something touching me. And I heard a voice. I even saw that chair move a little.” He says, pointing to the chair across from him. “Something is here, Dean” 

“Dude, it’s just your imagination. You’re just tired. It’s like four a.m. Of course you’re seeing ghosts: it’s dark, we’re in a creepy hospital, and there’s nothing fun to do except let your mind wonder. Go back to sleep.” I say, closing my eyes. I don’t mean to be grumpy, but I’m tired and I really want Cas back over here keeping me warm.

“What happened to you, Dean? You believe in this, you know? You’ve seen it! You’ve even been outside of your body before.” And, wow. Okay! That’s news to me! “Why are you not more excited about this?” He is still staring at the chair that he claims moved.

“I don’t believe it because I’m tired. God, would you shut up and go back to sleep? You’re keeping me up.”

“You always were cranky when someone woke you up.” He laughs, his gaze still pinned on that chair.

My head is throbbing, my body is exhausted, and all I want to do is get some sleep before the damn doctor comes in and starts poking me again. “Were you always this annoying?” I say playfully. I don’t want to piss him off, but I do want to sleep.

“Yeah, but you love it,” he teases back. I close my eyes, hoping to drift off again, but Cas’s voice pulls me back awake. “Let me at least prove to you that something is here.” He gets up and comes over to me.

“Fine. If I do this, will you please let me sleep?”

“Deal.” He says, grinning. He sits down on the edge of the bed. “This is my friend Dean. Can you touch him?” Nothing happens. I knew it. I fucking told him this shit’s not real. “Come on, you touched me, can’t you touch him too?”

After several minutes of Cas begging this “ghost” to move the chair or talk or touch me, he finally shuts up. “I guess the ghost doesn’t want to play anymore.” I say sarcastically.

“Sometimes it takes a while before any activity happens.”

“What? Do they stop to take a ghostly potty break?” I roll my eyes.

“I’ll bet it’s your bad attitude that drove the spirit away.” He sighs and slinks into the chair next to the bed. I desperately want him to come closer, to cuddle back up to me. 

“Cas?” I say quietly.

“Yeah?” He says, pouting.

“Come back to bed.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because. There was something here, I promise. You don’t believe me, though. You’re basically calling me a liar.”

“I’m sorry,” I sigh heavily, “I’m not saying that I don’t believe you. I do. I’m just really tired and cranky. But I’m sorry I mocked you. Now will you please come back to bed? I liked having you near me.”

He grins a little but I can see him fighting it. “Only if you say there’s a ghost here.”

“Fine. There’s a ghost here,” I huff, rolling my eyes.

“You don’t mean that.” He fully grins at me.

“No, I don’t. But I do mean to kick your ass once I can walk again. Now get your ass back over here and keep me warm.” 

He laughs and climbs back into the bed with me. He wraps an arm around me. “You always did like having my ass close to you,” he whispers seductively in my ear before laughing and planting a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

“Shut the fuck up. Go to bed.” I laugh. I might not love this guy, but I sure do like him a lot. He seems pretty cool. I think I’ll like being friends with this dude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to those who are reading this as I post it. I got too tired and need to go to sleep if I hope to get up for work tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get the rest posted tomorrow so you can finish it.


	13. “What the hell were you doing in bed with him, Cas?”

“Dean?! Cas?!” I hear a voice in the room. I wake up to find Bobby standing next to my bed. Beside me, Cas gets up and scrambles out of the bed, falling on the floor in the process. “What the hell were you doing in bed with him, Cas?”

“I, uhh…” Cas looks lost. 

“I asked him to come to the hospital last night. I didn’t want to be alone. And, uhh, I got a little scared. There was a ghost here or something last night. So I asked Cas to crawl in bed with me and protect me from the big bad ghostie. I mean, I’m still a scared 16 year old kid inside, right?” I laugh. I am obviously joking, but Bobby’s eyes light up when I say ghost. Cas looks at me, defeated. Oh shit, maybe I shouldn’t have said that.

“You guys had activity last night?” Bobby asks Cas seriously.

“It was nothing. Dean’s on a lot of meds and, you know, he suffered a head injury.”

“Cas?” Bobby looks at him pointedly.

“What?” Cas says defensively. Man, I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth.

“You suck at lying.” Bobby laughs. He sits down in a chair and kicks his feet up on my bed. “So what happened?”

Cas sighs heavily and sits on the bed facing me and Bobby. “I felt something hit me, which woke me up. Then I felt something tickling me and poking me. I thought I heard someone say something, but I can’t be sure. I asked the spirit to move the cards on the table. Then the chair moved.” He says, pointing to the chair that he had been staring at last night.

“Dean, can you verify this?” Bobby looks at me.

“Umm, no, actually. I was asleep.”

“The activity stopped when Dean woke up.” Cas informs Bobby.

“Do you think we have a case? We’ve kind of postponed hunting while you’ve been in the hospital. It might be good for us to get our feet wet again, so to speak.” Bobby looks kind of excited now. 

“I think it wouldn’t hurt.” Cas shrugs, glad that Bobby doesn’t seem to be dwelling on the fact that he found Cas and I cuddled up in bed. “Do you think the hospital will allow you to do anything?”

“Lack of permission never stopped us before,” Bobby laughs. “I think we should do this casually, though. I doubt a hospital will let us do an investigation. Besides, I don’t want to tell them that we think there is a ghost here. They’ll chuck us out for being lunatics and I ain’t leaving Dean in here alone.” I smile fondly at Bobby. He’s definitely the same Bobby I’ve always known: gruff but a totally softy. 

I’m not sure how I feel about a case right now. From my past experiences, you kind of need control of your body to investigate a case. Plus, the hospital staff has probably seen everyone here multiple times. They’ll know none of them are cops or feds or anything. I don’t see how a case would even be possible right now. 

I’m just about to speak up to object, when the conversation turns from the topic of ghosts and I’m relieved. I feel kind of bad that I don’t want to hunt right now, especially since Bobby said they took time off because of me. If I were feeling even marginally better, I would probably be okay with a case. But not being able to walk only makes me an easy victim if shit gets bad on a case.

Sam arrives later, along with Ellen, Adam, and Jo. Everyone sits down to talk about what happened and what they should do about it. Finally they agree that they can do a little research without raising too much suspicion. It’s weird how focused they are on this. I mean, I’m right here in the bed and it’s like they can’t even see me. They must be pretty serious about pursuing this case. 

I feel like an outsider. Like I don’t belong. Like I’m closed off from their little circle. From what I’ve read in the two books so far, I was the one who had to convince Sammy to start hunting with us. I was all gung ho to chase down the baddies. But whatever happened to me must have changed all of that. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I just wish I knew who I was now. 

“That sound good to you, Dean?” Ellen asks. I snap back to reality.

“Umm, what?”

“Sam and Adam can tackle researching hospital history. Although, with how many die around here, that might take a while. Bobby and I can look for any mementos of the dead left behind, any pieces of a body that might still be around. Cas and Jo can talk to hospital staff and see if there have been any other strange occurrences in this room. Would that be okay?”

“Okay, sure,” I say, trying to be cooperative. “Just… uh,” they all turn to me expectantly. “Don’t piss it off. I can’t exactly defend myself.”

“Well, well, well!” Ellen pipes up. “Dean Winchester admitting weakness. Nice! I like it.” She winks at me to let me know she’s only kidding.

“Don’t worry, Dean,” Cas says kindly. “We won’t let anything hurt you.”

“Okay, cool.” I reply, trying to keep my voice casual. I feel my back muscles go into spasm from being in this position so long. “Hey, Sam?” I say, looking at him with puppy dog eyes.

“Yeah, yeah.” He says, coming over to me, laughing. “You’re such a needy little girl, Dean.” He puts one hand on my hip, the other on my shoulder. “Why don’t we try rolling you on your side? See if that helps?” I nod and he pushes me away from him, onto my side. I try to steady myself with my hand, but I feel myself rolling back towards him.

“You have to bend his legs, idjit!” Bobby admonishes. “Otherwise he’ll keep rolling. Have you ever tried rolling over without counter-supporting yourself? It’s impossible.” He laughs. 

Bobby and Ellen come over as Sam holds me, keeping me on my side. It’s nice to be laying in a different position. It’s refreshing. Bobby grabs my legs and starts to move them. A shooting pain goes up my spine.

“Ow ow ow! Stop stop stop!” I plead. Bobby stops and Sam slowly rolls me back down onto my back. Tears escape my eyes as the pain shoots throughout my body. They all look scared as hell. I try to break the tension in the room with a joke. “Well, the good news is that I can feel my legs finally.” I laugh but no one else laughs with me.

“Are you okay? We’re so sorry, Dean!” Ellen whispers, coming over to me and rubbing my arm soothingly.

“Don’t be sorry. I wanted to roll over. It felt nice to be in a different position. Well, it felt nice for a while.” I say, smiling up at them. Despite the pain in my body, it did feel good to move a little, get the blood flowing. 

They all step back and sit down in various chairs around the room. It’s like the mood in the room has sunk. Everyone feels guilty. I want Cas to come over and comfort me, but I can’t say anything in front of the others. Maybe I can think of a way to get him alone, something clever.

I don’t have time to think of a way as Sam saves the day. “Well, Adam, why don’t we head to the library and do some research? Ellen and Bobby, you guys can see if you can find any artifacts. Cas can help Jo.” He looks at Bobby and Ellen who nod, eager to have an escape.

“We’ll be back soon, son,” Bobby says. He gives me a small, apologetic smile. I know he feels bad about moving me, but I’m glad he did it. At least I know I haven’t completely lost the feeling in my legs. For the first time since I woke up out of the coma, I honestly feel like I might walk again someday.

“Hey guys, I think I should stay here and keep him company.” Cas pipes up. “After all, we don’t want to leave him alone.” 

“Sounds like a great idea.” Sam says, knowing what Cas is trying to do. “We’ll be back in a few hours.” He says before he and the others exit, leaving me and Cas alone. Cas stands at the door and watches them go. Once they are down the hall, he comes over to me and hugs me gently. “You okay, Dean?”

“I’m fine, smoochy poo.” I tease. He smiles half-heartedly but he still looks scared. “Seriously, I’m fine. It hurt a little, but it was kind of nice in a way.” He looks at me like I have three heads. “I mean, now I know I can feel my legs, right?”

“You couldn’t before?” 

“I thought I could, but every time I felt them move, I looked down and nothing was happening.”

Cas goes down and starts massaging my legs. I can’t feel his touch, but I can feel the blood start moving well enough. It feels nice, like a good stretch after a long work out. “You have to keep the blood circulating. We don’t want you to end up with blood clots.” He explains. “If they travel to your lungs, it can cause a pulmonary embolism. And, believe me, you do not want that.”

“How do you know so much?” I say teasingly

“I’ve lived a very long time, Dean,” he responds, obviously having missed the joke. “I shouldn’t have let them move you. First rule of an injury: don’t move the injured patient unless you absolutely have to.”

“Well they absolutely had to. I would have whined like a little girl if they hadn’t.”

“You always whine like a little girl anyway, Dean.” He laughs. Something about this interaction seems familiar to me. It’s warm and comforting. Between that and the feeling of blood flowing through my legs, I feel like I’m in paradise. 

After Cas is done massaging my legs, he gets another book from the bag in the corner and crawls into my bed to read to me.

“I thought you should hear more about your life. Even if it doesn’t jog your memory, it’ll help you to understand who you are now.” He lays close to me so we can both see the book, but I close my eyes to listen as his sultry voice reads bits of my life to me. 

He ends up reading two whole books to me over the next several hours. I wonder where the others are and why they haven’t come back to the room, but I don’t voice my concern out loud. I don’t want to jinx this wonderful moment. I like having Cas close to me and I hate that we have to keep our distance when everyone else is around. 

“So, I’ve missed quite a lot, haven’t I?” I ask after he finishes the third book in the series. I turn my head to look at him. We’re so close, mere inches apart. It wouldn’t take much to press my lips to his, but I resist the urge in favor of talking to him more. He’s such a fascinating creature to talk to. 

“Seventeen years is a long time for a human,” he nods. I snuggle my head closer to him so we’re cheek to cheek. “This is nice,” he practically purrs.

“What is?” I ask, nuzzling into his face a little more. He hums in appreciation.

“You actually wanting to cuddle with me today. You’re the one who always wants to cuddle and snuggle. I’d missed that a lot while you were in your coma.”

“So, am I the chick?” I joke. 

“Yes, Dean,” he laughs. “You’re a ‘chick’.” He makes air quotes with his fingers as we both laugh softly. 

I turn my head and finally dare to kiss the side of his face. His stubble feels nice against my lips, a feeling I hadn’t been expecting. He turns his face tentatively toward mine and looks at me questioningly. I slowly smile and nod shyly, allowing him permission to kiss me. He leans in, sealing his lips around mine. And yet another feeling I hadn’t anticipated washes over me: joy. Kissing Cas feel right, normal. It’s like nothing else in the world.

After a few minutes of kissing, he pulls back slowly. I try to follow him, but he brings a hand up to stop me. “I don’t mean to cut you off,” he says, still breathy from our mini make-out session, “but if I don’t stop you now, we’ll move on to other things and your heart monitor might start making strange noises.” He winks.

“Who says that would be a bad thing?” I wink back. He laughs happily and gives me on more chaste kiss before pulling away again. He snuggles into my side, tossing his arm over my chest protectively. Despite my earlier fear that we’d anger the ghost and it might attack me, I feel completely safe with my angel wrapped around me. We drift off into a nap, our bodies practically becoming one.


	14. I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my entire life

I turn away from the window and see the other Dean cuddled up with Cas. At least Dean is finally starting to look comfortable with him. I want more than anything to go hold Cas, to be with the love of my life again, but I know the truth. I’ve already given in to the fact that the other Dean may never remember, that I’ll be trapped inside his mind forever. That he may never find me. 

Sam comes in the door quietly and sits down at the table, trying hard to not wake them. My heart soars to see him there. The other Dean has seen a lot of Sam since waking from the coma, but this is the first I’m actually seeing him. I walk over and sit next to him. I know he won’t be able to hear me, but I am just so glad to see her that I instantly go into motor-mouth mode. 

“Hey Sammy! You won’t believe it but I’m a ghost now. Frigging crazy, right? I can only be here when Dean’s asleep, but still… it’s pretty cool. Much better than that time I was a ghost after the car accident with Dad. At least this time, people can actually interact with me. Sort of. 

"Last night I was messing with Cas. You should have seen him, he got so damn excited. The entire universe of knowledge in his mind and he still marvels at the little things. I just wish someone else could back up his experiences. The other Dean doesn’t believe him. Oh, right, you don’t know what I mean. The other Dean is what I call my body, that thing over there cuddled up with my Cas.” I try not to let the jealousy tinge my voice, since technically that IS me cuddling with Cas over there. But I can’t help it. I don’t want the other Dean to be cuddled with my soon-to-be-fiance. I’m the one who’s supposed to be cuddling with him. “It’s not really me over there. I’m here, but I’m trapped inside his mind. I guess I'm his memory or his soul or something. Anyway, we’re both Dean I guess, just two different versions of him.”

Sam reaches into a bag and grabs his laptop. He opens it up, but it’s not turned on yet. I step behind him and look at the black screen, hoping I can see myself. Sam turns with a jerk and looks at me in horror. “Dean?!” He stands up and looks at the bed. “No way! It can’t be!”

Holy shit! He saw me!! Sam could actually see me! Sweet, maybe now I can make contact, show him that the real Dean is still around. “Sam!” I scream at the top of my lungs. “Sammy!” He doesn’t react. He can’t hear me. 

Desperately, I rush over and tap his arm. Nothing. Dammit, how can I show him that I’m here? He walks over to the bed and shakes Cas gently, trying not to wake me in the process. Cas, of course, doesn’t wake up. “Cas,” Sam tries whispering to him, but gets no response. I walk over and, mustering up all of the energy I can, I thunk Cas on the leg.

“Ow! Jeez!” Cas wakes up angrily, grabbing his shin. “What was that for, Sam?”

“What was what for?”

“You hit me. Right in the shin! You certainly do pack a punch.”

“Cas, I didn’t hit you! It was Dean!” Yes, Sam knows it was me! Okay, we’re making progress.

“Dean’s asleep.” Cas gives Sam a bitchface like I’ve never seen. Maybe my wake-up crankiness is rubbing off on my lover. My brother's bitchfaces certainly seem to be. “Besides, he can hardly move. I doubt it was him.”

“No, no, you don’t understand. I was sitting over at the table, getting ready to do some research. I had my laptop open, but I hadn’t turned it on yet. The screen was still black. I saw Dean standing behind me. It was him, clear as day!”

“So you’re saying he’s here and there?” Cas says, pointing the room and my body. 

“Yes!” Sam retorts. “Maybe it has something to do with the accident or something. Like he’s outside of his body right now. I mean, he’s described that happening before, right? So it’s plausible. I mean, he was right behind me, but when I looked over here, he was still asleep next to you!”

“We better call the others and let them know. They’ll be upset if we don’t tell them,” Cas says. Sam hands Cas his cell phone as comes over to my bed.

Cas shrinks into the corner to make the phone call while Sam leans over my bed. “I know you’re in there, Dean. Come out come out wherever you are.” He laughs and jokingly punches my shoulder. Oh shit, that woke him up. I feel myself being pulled towards him quickly, as though the suddenness of waking is sucking me in.

“Bobby and Ellen said they would be here right away. Bobby told me Adam and Jo will be here later. They apparently drove quite a ways away to talk to a former hospital employee who has had activity.”

“Looks like none of that matters now, since we know the activity is Dean. Looks like we wasted a day of research and investigation,” Sam chuckles. 

“What’s going on guys? When did Sammy get back?” I try to raise my head to look at them but fail. Sam comes over, practically bouncing. 

“Dean! You were here!” He smiles.

“Huh?”

“You were just here.”

“Well, yeah, I’ve apparently been here for four months.” I give him my best ‘no shit, Sherlock’ look before closing my eyes again. I do not want to be awake right now. 

“No, no. Not you, you. You were here.”

“What?” I open my eyes again, frustrated. Clearly, my little brother’s mission right now is to make me as grumpy as possible. 

“You were laying in bed asleep but I saw you behind me. I saw your reflection in my laptop.”

I look at Cas, bewildered. “You want to help me out here dude? What the hell is he talking about?”

“It’s a portable computer. Technology has really come along since you last remember. Regardless, it’s a reflective surface that Sam saw you in.”

“How is that even possible? How can I be a ghost if I’m still alive?” 

“Well, there is a theory out there that ghosts aren’t spirits from the past, but the transference of living souls.” Sam explains. “Like the spirit leaving the body for a while, but coming back later. The theory is that, when this happens, it means that the person is in distress and needs help so they appear to people who can help them. So maybe your soul is leaving your body and making contact with us.”

“Why would I do that?” I ask, scared to know the answer.

“Maybe your spirit is trying to tell us something. Like you remember or there’s something else wrong with you or you need us to keep visiting you. I don’t know. It’s all theory and I’m definitely not an expert in the field. All I know is, Cas experienced some stuff last night and I saw you just now.”

“You think it was me both times?” 

“I hope so.” I’m sure Sam means that in a ‘I’d love it if you were here with your memories in tact’ kind of way, but I can’t help but take it as a ‘let’s hope there aren’t more spirits haunting this hospital’. That does not sit well with me. 

I fall silent, scared beyond my wits. My body might be in my 30s, but I’m currently regressing to the 16 yr old boy I last remember being. I’m leaving my own body? What does that even mean? I thought when your soul left your body it meant that you were dead. Am I dying and coming back to life? I feel a sickness rising in my gut at all of this. I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my entire life.

Cas must sense my fear because he comes over and holds my hand. I pull it away. “I’m sorry,” I explain, “it’s not that I don’t want you to touch me. It’s just, this is a little overwhelming. I think I’m going to be sick here.”

“It’s okay. This is a lot to handle.” He sits down in the chair by the bed and bows his head. 

“What are you doing?”

“Praying,” he replies simply. He continues whispering in a language that I don’t understand.

“What are you praying for?” He doesn’t respond. “Cas, what are you praying for?” I ask again, beginning to panic. 

“I’m praying that your spirit comes back to us again.”

He smiles and resumes his prayer. I am, most definitely, not smiling.


	15. I feel like the kid at the frat party who doesn’t drink.

Bobby and Ellen walk in with some bags. They begin pulling items out of the bags, none of which I recognize. Cas wasn’t kidding: technology really has advanced since I last remember. 

Ellen comes over to my bedside with one of the items. “This is a video camera. Quite a change from the huge, bulky things you might have seen as a kid. We’d like to try to capture some evidence of this on the camera, just so we can verify what’s really going on.” 

She walks away again and this time comes back with two thin, rectangular things. “These are digital voice recorders. We use these to pick up EVPs.” 

“Do I already know what these things are and have I used this equipment before? Because these things seem a little Star Trek to me.” It does feel a little familiar, if futuristic.

“Yeah,” Ellen smiles at me, “you have. I just thought I’d bring the new Dean, you know the one without his memory, up to speed. 17 years is a long time in terms of technology.” 

“Moore’s law,” Sammy pipes up. 

“Moore’s law?” My eyebrows go up.

“Every 18 months technology doubles, basically. It’s more complicated than that, but that’s the gist. You’ve missed a lot of doubling, Dean.” Sam pats me on the arm as he goes over to his laptop and finally powers it on. Bobby and Ellen start discussing where to place the cameras and voice recorders. 

I look out at the window and start to get scared again. It’s dusk outside, nearly dark. I know they’re all gung ho about finding a ghost or my spirit or whatever, but I’m downright terrified. In the background, I can hear them discussing things quietly. I don’t even look over to acknowledge their presence. At this point I don’t care. I just want tonight to be over with and for everyone to stop talking about ghosts. 

We make small talk until they decide it’s dark enough outside. Just as they’re getting ready to turn the equipment on, Jo and Adam come back into the room. I try very pointedly to ignore everyone else, choosing instead to stare at the stars just barely bright enough to view. It’s just after 9:30, but not totally pitch black outside yet. 

Adam goes over to the window and shuts the curtains, blocking my view of the night sky. Dammit, I guess they had to start some time. I want to speak up and stop them, but I don’t want be to the spoilsport. I feel like the kid at the frat party who doesn’t drink.

“Umm, hey guys, my nurse comes in to check on me at ten.” I say, hoping to at least stall them.

“Thanks for the warning,” Ellen smiles at me sweetly. “Do they leave you alone after that?”

“If I don’t push the call button, yes,” I reply.

“Then don’t push it.” Bobby says, mumbling ‘idjit’ under his breath.

Sam starts clicking away at his laptop. Adam comes over excitedly, peering over his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” I ask, unable to see him from where he is sitting.

“Looking at porn,” Adam says seriously. 

“What?! Dude! At least wait until you get home.” I shriek.

“Huh?” Adam looks over at me. Suddenly it hits him and he starts laughing. “No, no, no, it’s not really pornography, Dean! It’s our code word for research. See, you actually do look at porn while Same and I are around and we got really annoyed about it. You’re so cavalier about it that we finally just decided to start calling… you know what, it’s a long story. Fuck it. We’re looking at porn.” Him and Sam laugh, clearly enjoying their little code that’s mean to poke fun at me. Although, if I’m being honest with myself, looking at porn while my brothers around does seem like the kind of selfish, asshole thing I would do. Especially if we’re stuck in hotel rooms together on a case.

After the nurse comes in and checks on me, looking curiously at the equipment like we’re all about to film a porno, we are left alone for the night. The sickness rises in my stomach. Jo goes over and watches out the door until she’s sure we’ll be left alone. She shuts the door firmly and clicks off the light. I can see a red glow emanate from the video camera as Ellen switches it on. 

From the table, I hear Bobby speak somewhat too loud for the now silent room. “Dean’s hospital room. Friday night, ten o’clock.” Who the heck is he talking to? My eyes are slow to adjust to the darkness, so I can’t see anything around me just yet.

I lay back and relax, trying to forget that they are in the room. “Is there anyone here with us?” Sam speaks. So much for forgetting they are there. 

“Could you give us a sign of your presence?” Adam chimes in. 

Dammit, there’s no way I can sleep through all of this. I try to relax and resign myself to the fact that I won’t sleep tonight. I lay awake and listen to them asking the supposed ghost questions, much like Cas did the other night. 

Their little one-sided ghost conversation goes on for hours. I find myself fighting to ignore them, wanting desperately to sleep. Finally, Bobby pipes up. “Okay guys, nothing’s happening here. Maybe this was a mistake. After all, we’ve kept Dean up all damn night and we haven’t had anything happen.” Thank God! Now I can finally get some sleep.

“Sorry about all of this, Dean,” Ellen says gently as she comes and kisses my forehead. “You can sleep now. I promise we’ll be quiet as we put all of this stuff away.” 

I nod, closing my eyes. I finally drift off as they quietly go about putting their stuff back in the bags. 

“Guys! Guys! Don’t pack up!” I scream, seeing them putting things away. I look over and notice that the other Dean has finally fallen asleep. It’s a good thing, too, because I only seem to come out when he’s sleeping. I try to scream at them, to show myself to them, but they don’t react.


	16. Oh God, please let them find me here!

Finally it occurs to me that I can touch Cas. I run over to him and flick his ear. “Ow! That hurt.”

“What? What? Cas, did you feel something?” Adam gets excited. The kid always cracks me up when he's on cases with us. He's so eager. Like a more personable version of me. Adam's usually the one who gets people to open up and give us more facts. I hope it will come in handy in helping to get me back in control of my body. 

“Yes. Something just flicked my ear," Cas replies. "It was quite uncomfortable." He grabs his ear as the others gather near him.

“Sam, get the equipment back up now,” Bobby commands. Yes! They get it! They know something’s here. Sam grabs a voice recorder and hands it to Bobby. “Is there anybody here with us?” 

“If there’s anyone in here with us, please give us a sign of your presence,” Adam adds. I tap Cas again.

“Something just tapped my shoulder,” Cas informs them all.

Sam tosses a camera to Jo, who turns it on. She points the camera and a flashlight at Cas. “Can you touch him again?” I immediately obey.

“It touched me again.” Cas smiles.

“Can you tell us what you want?” Sam asks. I decide to test the waters. 

I walk over to the recorder and yell into it. “Sam! Sam, it’s me! It’s Dean, man!” It’s exhausting to keep all of this activity up, but I know I have to. I have to prove to them that I’m here.

“Can you touch someone else? Why don’t you touch me?” Bobby inquires. I reach out and am somehow able to touch Bobby. “Holy hell! Something just touched me!” 

“Are you serious?” Ellen asks as Jo points the camera toward Bobby. Can you touch me?”

I walk over and, to my delight, Ellen can feel me touching her hair. “Something just tousled my hair!” 

“Your hair’s messed up!” Jo says, pointing the camera at her mother. “Holy shit!” She says a little loudly. I freeze as my body stirs in the bed. 

“Please don’t wake me up!” I beg them. “If he wakes up, I’m gone again!” I yell, hoping they hear me.

“You guys, check this out.” Jo indicates the camera. They crowd around the screen and look at something I can’t see. 

“That shadowy bit is moving!” Cas exclaims, as though he’s never seen evidence of a ghost. 

“That shadowy bit most definitely looks like a person,” Bobby adds. “Though it’s hard to tell who. But I have a guess who it might be.”

I look over at Jo’s hand and realize that the camera is pointed right at me. Can they see me? Like an idiot, I walk over to the screen to try to see what they’re looking at. “Dammit, it’s gone!” The disappointment is evident in Jo’s voice. 

I realize that they must have been seeing me because Jo said it’s gone right when I walked over to them. Oh God, please let them find me here! Please let them figure out that I’m okay!

I look down at the voice recorder on the table. I walk over to the closest person and grab Adam’s hand. Amazingly, I am able to lift it. I guess if I can mess up Ellen’s hair, I can move Adam’s hand. I lift Adam’s hand and point his finger towards the digital recorder. “Please understand me! Please make them listen to the recorders! Please let them hear me!” I beg him, not sure if he’ll know what I’m trying to communicate.

“Guys, guys! Look at this,” Adam says. Everyone looks at him, curious.

“What?” Bobby says, shining his flashlight onto the recorder that Adam is now pointing to. “It’s a recorder, Adam. Big freaking deal.”

“No! I’m not pointing to it!” Adam tries to explain.

“Then what are you pointing to?” Ellen chimes in.

“No, I mean, I’m not controlling my hand right now. Whatever it is grabbed my hand and made me point to the recorder.”

“What the heck?” Jo says, momentarily letting the camera sag toward the floor, as though she’s forgotten it.

“No friggin’ way!” Sam comes over to Adam. “Why do you think Dean’s doing that?”

“Guys, I think he wants us to playback the recording. Right now.” Adam knows! He knows!

“Seriously?” Jo asks, remembering the camera and pointing it over at Adam.

“Yeah. I think we should listen to what we’ve recorded so far.” The smile on Adam’s face grows wider. I find myself missing the kid terribly. Sure, we hadn’t seen each other for several months before the accident because the kid’s still in college. But he does come hunting with us when he can and I’ve always enjoyed his presence. We’re not as familiar as Sam and I are, but the Winchester brotherly bond is still strong between Adam and I. 

“We can try it,” Bobby shrugs. “Sam, do we have another recorder going? I don’t to miss any possible EVPs while we’re listening to the playback.”

“Yeah, I haven’t packed it yet. Let me just double check that it’s still on.” Sam says, going over to the bedside table to check that recorder. “Yep. It’s on.” He gives the group a thumbs up.

My body stirs from his words and I feel myself being pulled back in. Oh crap! At least I got them to listen to the recorders before I was gone again!


	17. I mean, you’re acting like you two are…

I wake up and see everyone gathered around the table, Ellen pointing a flashlight at the recorder in Adam’s hand. I feel like I haven’t slept at all. It was stupid of me to think I could any sleep tonight. Wishful thinking, I guess. “Guys? What’s going on?” I ask.

“Shh!” Sammy holds a hand up towards me, silencing me. He plugs a cable into the recorder and starts messing with the computer. They must have caught something. Oh shit, there’s that sickness again.

Everyone is silent as they wait on Sammy to get the computer stuff going. Cas keeps looking from me to the others. He looks hopeful, like maybe it is me and I might be getting my memory back soon.

“Sam! Sam, it’s me! It’s Dean, man!” I hear someone say and, to my horror, I realize it’s coming from the computer.

“Oh my God!” Jo says, looking at me. “I knew it!”

“But you were asleep! I saw you sleeping through all of this!!” Ellen adds, looking at me incredulously. It strikes me as odd that she would be startled by this; don’t these guys do this stuff for a living? 

“Dean, you were asleep, correct? You weren’t messing with us?” Cas looks at me seriously.

“No.” I say sheepishly. I feel like a child, scared and helpless. I want my mommy. 

“Cas, we would have heard him if he was talking. That has to be legit!” Sam says, still messing with the computer. I hear them play the recording again and they all gasp.

“That’s so freaking cool!” Jo grins from ear to ear.

Cas comes over to my bedside and takes my hand. “I knew it! I knew it had to be you! I just knew it!” He says, laughing and kissing my hand. He realizes what he’s doing and stops, looking at the other guys. 

“You all right there, Cas? A little excited are we?” Ellen laughs.

“I know what kind of things could be wrong with him. I’m just happy that he’s okay. Well, that he’s going to be okay.” He looks down and I can imagine a blush spreading across his cheeks.

“If he hadn’t kissed Dean, I would have!” Jo, to my great relief, exclaims. “Aren’t you guys excited?”

“Of course!” Ellen says defensively, as though her loyalty is being called into question.

“Why don’t we keep listening?” Cas suggests, squeezing my hand sweetly before walking back over to the group.

“Please don’t wake me up! If he wakes up, I’m gone again!” I hear my own voice. Don’t wake me up? What the hell? Cas was right, it is me. But it only happens when I’m asleep. That’s why I couldn’t verify Cas’s claims the other night and why I didn’t know Sam was talking about this afternoon. Holy shit… wait, wait, they had to have faked that somehow. They had to have… But how could they?

“That explains it!” Sam gasps. “Somehow he can leave his body when it’s sleeping.”

“But how is that possible? Astral projection?” Adam looks up at him.

“No, that has to be a conscious effort. This is more like a crisis apparition, but without the coinciding death. That’s the third time that activity has happened. If it really is Dean, that means that he’s somehow able to leave his body when it’s unconscious, when his body doesn’t know anything is happening.”

Sam clicks the recording back on. I can hear them talking and going about their case. They must have been pretty busy while I was asleep. “Please understand me! Please make them listen to the recorders! Please let them hear me!” It’s my voice again.

“I knew it! For some reason, I knew he wanted me to playback the recording. He was telling me to do it all along!” Adam smiles.

“Man, I’m glad you made us play those recordings tonight instead of waiting to listen to them later.” Bobby pats him on the back.

“Wait a minute, he said my name in that first one. He said Sam and not Sammy!” Sam looks at me, not smiling this time. “He remembers!”

“What?” is all I can manage to mutter. I don’t remember. And I don’t want them thinking I do. I don’t want them getting their hopes up or accusing me of lying. I think I’m going to puke!

“Guys, I know this sounds completely off the wall…” Adam turns to the group, “but I think this is his memory. And it’s somehow trapped in his body. And when his body goes to sleep, he can fight his way out.”

“Are you sure?” Bobby asks skeptically. 

“Listen to those EVPs and tell me he doesn’t remember us!” Adam challenges. 

I hear Sam clicking the computer a couple of times, followed by the first EVP playing again. “Sam! Sam, it’s me! It’s Dean, man!”

Sam raises his eyebrows and nods. “You might be right.”

“Dean, go back to sleep again!” Ellen says excitedly. 

Yeah! Like I can sleep now. Are you kidding me? I’m more afraid now than I’ve ever been. How in the hell am I supposed to sleep?

“I don’t think I can.” I blurt out. 

“Don’t pressure him. I know this is exciting, but we need to relax. We’re scaring the kid.” Bobby says. Damn it, he’s smiling at me again. I’m not a fucking child… although right now I kind of feel like one. 

“Maybe if we all leave the room for a while, he can relax and fall asleep.” Ellen suggests. 

“Good idea. Let’s take a break and hit the vending machines.” Adam agrees. 

I start to panic! “Don’t leave! I don’t want to be alone!” 

“You okay, Dean?” Sam says, stopping on his way out.

“Umm, maybe one of you can stay here with me. I don’t want to be alone right now. I’m scared.” I admit.

“Yeah. Sure.” Bobby says, starting to come towards me to sit by my bed. There’s that fatherly instinct again. He stops and looks from me to the group. “Oh, sorry, I was assuming. Umm, who would you feel most comfortable with?”

“Ummm…” I want to say Cas, but I don’t know how to play it off.

“I’ll stay with him. If anything happens, I’ll know what to do.” Cas saves me.

“Angel mojo comes in handy once again!” Ellen jokes as she, Sam, Jo, and Adam walk out. Cas comes over to the chair by my bed and sits, waiting for Bobby to leave. 

Bobby gets halfway to the door and stops. “Cas?”

“Yes, Bobby?”

“I know you want to help him out, but you’re getting awfully clingy. I mean, you’re acting like you two are… well, you’re just getting really attached to him, that’s all.” Bobby sighs and walks out.

A silence falls in the room as the door clicks closed. Cas and I look at each apprehensively.


	18. "Maybe this will be your trigger.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't let the title of the chapter fool you. No trigger warnings needed. It's referring to triggering his memory back.

“Do you think he knows?” Cas looks at me like I have the answer. 

“I don’t know. I hope not.” We both get quiet and stare at each other, hoping that Bobby hasn’t figured us out.

“I know you hate being asked this, but are you okay?” He says, rubbing my arm.

“I don’t know.” I honestly don’t. “That was my voice… but I didn’t say that. I swear to you, I was asleep during all of that.”

“I know you were. That’s what I was trying to explain to you today. It’s you, even though you’re right there sleeping.”

“I’m glad you’re here. This is all scaring me. I just don’t understand all of this.” I slip my hand into his and give it a squeeze. I might not be able to hug my angel, but the gesture still lets him know that my words are sincere. I really am glad to have him here. 

“It is freaky. I’m not sure I understand it all either.” He admits.

“So you’re saying you don’t know?” I look at him, very confused. He's an angel. He's lived forever, hasn't he? And, yet, there are still things he doesn't know. How is that possible? 

“Dean, I’m not a psychic. And I don’t know all of the secrets of the universe. We have no way of knowing if it really is you or if it’s a demon pretending to be you. I mean, there are a million explanations and we may never know the truth. I can only tell you that I hope against hope that it is you. If it is, maybe that means we can reach you, try to help you remember. Maybe this will be your trigger.”

“Trigger?”

“The thing that brings back your memory. The thing that opens you up to yourself again.” He smiles at me and my heart skips a beat. I think I might be falling for this guy, as weird as that seems.

“I just wish I knew what was going on,” I near-whisper.

“I do too.” He says rubbing my arm again to comfort me. “I have a million questions racing through my mind right now.”

“Me too.” I do. I really do. 

Like how is this even possible? Is it like split personalities or something? Or are body and soul really two different things? If so, then am I soulless right now? Is it my memory reaching out? If my memory can really leave me, then why can I remember things that have happened since I woke up out of the coma? None of this makes sense to me!

Before I can ask Cas any more questions, the door opens and the others return. I find that I’m actually a little disappointed. I think I was enjoying my alone time with him. I am falling hard for this guy. 

“Hey guys. Short break, I know, but I thought we should pack up and head out before the hospital kicks us out,” Sam states. “Dean, you should get back to sleep.”

“You don’t have to wait for us to leave,” Bobby adds. “It might take us a bit to pack things up and get out of this room. You need all the sleep you can get. You think you can sleep now?”

“Yeah, maybe.” I look apologetically at Cas. “Can I borrow Jo?” 

“What do you need my daughter for, Dean Winchester?” Bobby smirks, as though insinuating something more between Jo and I. Good, maybe this will throw him off from the whole Cas thing.

“Because I need someone to cuddle with to fall asleep and I don’t think you want the job.” I tease. 

“Damn straight, boy!” Bobby chuckles.

“Sounds kind of like the old Dean coming back to us.” Ellen grins.

I glance over at Cas. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know I can’t have him cuddle with me. We can’t let the others know. He winks at me slyly, letting me know that he understands. Even through his understanding, though, I can see that he feels left out.

Jo climbs into the bed with me and carefully lays next to me, but tries her best not to actually touch me. “Let me know if I hurt you, okay?”

“I will.” I say. “And it’s okay to cuddle me, you know,” I wink at her. “I just can’t really cuddle back. 

She throws an arm around me and hugs me gently. “Night Dean-o.” She says, kissing my cheek.

“Night, Jo.” I close my eyes, willing myself to go to sleep. Everyone in the room goes quiet, apprehensively waiting for me to fall asleep again.

I look down at the bed and see the other Dean asleep with Jo lying next to him. I feel a tinge of sadness that it’s not Cas, but I know why he did what he did. If Bobby knew that I really wanted to cuddle with Cas, he would flip… wait, would he? He didn’t seem mad when he hinted that he might know about Cas and I. 

I snap myself out of speculation mode and into getting their attention mode. “Hey guys, are the recorders back on?” I try asking them. As if he heard me, Adam jumps up and checks the recorders. 

“What are you doing?” Ellen asks.

“Checking to make sure the recorders are still on.” He replies. I look to Cas and see his eyes widen. Did Adam just say ‘still’ on? Oh shit! I sincerely hope Sam and Adam are the only ones who decide to listen to those recordings. “Yep, they’re on.” Adam confirms.

“Did you, uhh, leave them on during the break?” Cas asks. I don’t think either of us want to know the answer.

“Yeah. I didn’t want to miss any activity,” Adam looks at Cas like this should be obvious.

“Oh.” Cas says demurely.


	19. "You’re here, the real you, and I don’t want to walk away from that."

They pack up most of the equipment and put it into the corner, leaving it for tomorrow night. It takes them a while, but once everything is basically packed, everyone leaves, including Cas. Where is he going? Hmm, maybe he has somewhere to be right now. I feel a bit saddened that he’s leaving, that there is something more important than me. I watch my body asleep, alone in the room. The other Dean looks different than me somehow, blank, like maybe not knowing who he is has left a void inside of us. A void only I can fill.

I try my best to pass the time. I don’t want to go back into our body. It’s like being stuck inside of a dark, sound-proof panic room that I can’t escape from until the other Dean isn’t paying attention. I would much rather pace around a hospital bored than be stuck back inside there right now.

After about a half hour, I hear the door to my hospital room open up. I expect to see Cas coming back in, but it’s Jo. Why is she coming back in? Did she forget something? 

“Dean?” She whispers, looking at my body to see if I’m awake or not. She walks over to my bedside and looks over my body.

“Oh man, okay… I don’t know if this will work or not, but… well, if you are here, I need to talk to you. I’m not recording this because I don’t want to know what your response to this is.” 

She looks around the room, as if searching for a sign that I understand her. I walk over and put a hand on her shoulder. She smiles and touches her shoulder, as though acknowledging that she feels me there.

“I know I tease you a lot and I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but I want you to know how much you mean to, to all of us. I would say you’re like my brother, but that’s not even half of it. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been talking to you much since you woke up out of that coma. But I just don’t think I can deal with all of this. It’s hard for me to look at you and not have you recognize me. I mean, normally when I tease you, you tease right back. But this new Dean, he just looks at me blankly. And it’s like a blow to the heart, you know? Like your favorite person in the whole world just looked at you and said I hate you.

“When my parents told me about the accident… oh man, it was like hearing that my mom had just died. I was scared to death. For weeks afterward, I kept driving up and down I-75, past the spot where it happened. You can still see some debris in the grass median from your car.” She sighs and rests her head against the back of the chair.

“I want you to know, in case you were here before, that I’m sorry I didn’t come see you for those first three months. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, you’re my Dean. You’re always the one who’s ready to go, the one with all the energy. I just couldn’t look at you lying in that bed like you are now. I couldn’t do it.”

I look at her and see tears running down her face. It breaks my heart to see my almost-sister so sad over me. I wish I could take away all of her hurt. I rub a hand on her back and she smiles, turning to look in my direction. “I’m sorry, Dean If I could rewind time, I wouldn’t let you leave the for that case. 

“Make me a promise okay?” she asks. I tap her back twice to let her know I’m listening. “Promise me that you’ll be up and out of here soon. Promise me that you’ll walk again. And promise me that we’ll have you back in no time. Okay?” I tap her back twice more to acknowledge her words. 

“Well, I should go. You… or, well, your body… needs to rest.” She starts to walk out but stops and turns back around. “Fuck that, I’m not leaving! You’re here, the real you, and I don’t want to walk away from that. I’ve spent four months missing you and I’m not leaving when I know I have you here.”

I walk over and pull her to the chair by my bed. She sits down and smiles at the air in front of her. “Dean. I… I love you.” She smirks, “even if you are a pain in the ass most of the time!” I give her ear a good flick and she laughs quietly. 

“I’m only a pain in the ass to you because you’re a pain in the ass to me, kiddo.” I know she has no way of hearing me, but I say it anyway. 

Jo stays for the rest of the night and I finally find a cure for my boredom. As soon as she drifts off to sleep, I flick her. “Ow! Dammit, Dean, stop it!” she says, batting at the air around her. Oh man, this is too much fun! I am so going to get her back for the years of little-sister-type torment she’s inflicted upon me.

She starts nodding off again. This time, I wait until I hear her snoring ever so lightly. I reach over and tickle her nose. Her hand moves up to scratch her face, but she doesn’t wake up.

Ah ha! I know what will get her! My hands fly to her sides and I tickle her with all the energy I have. She shoots up out of the chair and nearly screams. “Dammit, Dean! You asshole!” She says, looking around to try and find me. 

She grabs a flashlight out of her pocket and holds it up. “See this?” She looks around. “You keep messing with me and keeping me from sleeping, I’ll shine this thing in your eyes and wake you up. Then you won’t be able to mess with me, you little dweeb!” She really is just like a sister. A bratty, obnoxious, but loving little sister! 

I walk over and pat her back. She flinches at first, but calms down. “All right. Good. I am going to sleep. You should find a way to pass the time because messing with Jo is not a legitimate option. Unless you want me to kick your ass once you’re back with us.” She giggles a little. 

She returns to the bedside chair and sits in it, eventually dozing off to sleep. She’s asleep, the other Dean’s asleep, and there is no way I am going to hide for the night. I lean against the wall, bored. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jo’s flashlight still in her hands. Dude, I know how I can pass the time tonight. I go over and try to grab the flashlight. No luck. Hmmm, if I can move people, I might be able to move an object. I spend the rest of the night trying to manipulate objects. Finally, around ten a.m., I am able to get the flashlight from Jo.

“Freaking sweet!” I say, holding the flashlight in my hand. I walk over and put it on the table, eager for Jo to wake up and discover it.


	20. “I’m sorry I’m such an asshole, Cas."

I wake up to find Jo in the chair by my bed. What’s she doing here? I look around the room and notice that everyone else has left. They left some stuff in the corner behind the table. Another night of investigating must be in store. Great, just what I need: another night of piss poor sleeping. 

I realize that I am cranky this morning. I chalk it up to a lack of sleep, but I can’t help feeling like there is another reason. Something feels just kind of off inside of me. Eh, well, it’s a lack of sleep combined with the crash from last night’s panic attack. 

I shake it off and look over at Jo. Her hair has fallen all around her, nearly covering her head. I chuckle to myself as Cousin It comes to mind. I don’t know Jo very well yet, but she seems like the type to punch me if I ever said that out loud. 

As I look at her, I find myself wondering if I’ve ever hit on her. Maybe back before Ellen and Bobby got together? She seems like the type of girl I might hit on. Then again, the evidence would suggest that I only hit on hot, winged men lately. Either way, I can’t see Jo reacting positively to being hit on. She probably socked me in the jaw if I ever did. 

I spend the next few hours lying in bed, trying my best to keep quiet so Jo can sleep. I guess Bobby left Jo to look out for me. He probably didn’t let Cas stay because of his suspicion. I guess Jo is an acceptable substitute, though she hasn’t been too talkative since I’ve been out of the coma. I guess I’m just not as close with her as I am with the others.

An orderly comes in and brings me a lunch tray. I point to Jo and tell the orderly, “Shhh.” He quietly sets the tray down and nods at me. He sits next to me to feed me, since I can’t do much for myself still. Even though all of my meals have been fed to me since I woke out of the coma, I still frigging hate it. Soft food and being fed like a baby. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here and get a burger.

“Do you need anything else?” The orderly whispers to me after I’m done eating. I shake my head and he leaves. 

It’s nearly one p.m. and this chick is still asleep! What the hell? This girl can marathon sleep! My nurse comes in and sees Jo there, so she does her best to be quiet. She checks my monitors, jots some notes down on my chart and looks up at me. 

“Mind if I poke and prod you more?” She smiles at me. She must know how sick I am of being poked at, but I know she’s just doing her job.

“Go ahead.” I grant her permission.

She comes over and checks my vitals. As she puts the stethoscope to my chest, she makes a weird face. She grabs my wrist and checks my pulse. “Hmm.” She says, going over to make another note on my chart. 

I look at my monitors, wishing I knew what the little lines meant. I’m curious as to why her expression keeps changing, but I reassure myself that she’s just noticing that I’m getting better or stronger: anything positive to keep me from panicking again. I had enough panic last night.

“Are you feeling okay Mr. Winchester?” My nurse asks.

“Umm, yeah. Sure.”

“Okay. Great. Well, if you need anything, just press the call button.” She smiles at me again. “Do you need me to take your lunch tray away or did you want to snack?”

“Actually, could you bring me some juice or something? I’m a little thirsty.”

“Sure thing. How about a popsicle too?” She cocks her head to one side. Is she flirting with me? She is cute… but not my type. After all, I seem to prefer the deep voiced, messy-hair type lately.

“Yeah, that sounds nice.” I say as she takes my lunch tray away. She leaves and returns a few minutes later with some juice and a popsicle. I thank her politely, hoping she doesn’t take my smile for more than it’s worth.

Soon after, Elle and Bobby return. “What are you doing here, Jo?” Ellen asks, unaware that Jo is still asleep. Hmm, interesting. So maybe Bobby didn’t leave Jo here with me. Why on earth is she here then? 

“Huh?” Jo responds, finally waking up and looking around.

“Were you still asleep?” Bobby pokes at her, laughing.

“I guess.” Jo looks up at me. “You’re awake, huh?” 

“It’s one o’clock in the afternoon, I think it’s reasonable to expect him to be awake.” Bobby chides.

“Right,” Jo says, looking at the floor.

“Well, Dean, we’re just in the area having lunch. We wanted to stop by and check on you. We’ll be back tonight.” Ellen explains.

“I’m fine. Thanks.” I say quietly.

“You sure? You seemed kind of freaked out last night.” Bobby looks at me.

“Yeah. I’ll be fine. It’s just that this whole ghost thing is a little scary. Especially if it’s really me. I just don’t know what to think.”

“It’s understandable.” Bobby nods, placing a hand on my leg. “Well listen, Jo, why don’t you clear out of here and we’ll give Dean some alone time? God knows we’ve been crowding him since he woke up from the coma.” 

“Thank guys,” I say, honestly glad to have them here. I’m starting to really like these guys. I hope one day they’ll feel like family like they did before. I know it won’t happen yet and I can’t rush myself, but I feel like I’m heading in the right direction.

The next few hours pass with me reading some of the Supernatural books, which Jo insisted on leaving on my bed. She swore I’d eventually get to her and Ellen and learn just how, and I quote, “totally awesome” they were.

Just after I finish eating dinner, Cas comes in. Those few hours of alone time were nice, but man am I glad to see him! My face lights up as he walks in the room. “Hey! You’re back!”

“Yeah, sorry. I thought you might need some time alone. I don’t want to overcrowd you or have you get sick of me.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of you, Cas,” I smile at him, taking comfort in the fact that he’s here. 

“You used to. Or so you claimed,” he admits sadly. I look to him with concern, but he doesn’t meet my eyes. “I knew you were just confused about your feelings for me, so I never fought you on it. But you used to ask me to go away for days at a time. I’m very glad you don’t feel that way again. I was scared that you might.”

“I’m sorry I’m such an asshole, Cas. It seems to be my default mode.” I pat the spot on the bed next to me, inviting to come closer.

“I suppose I’ll just have to take you however I can get you, Dean.” He plants a sweet kiss on my cheek and I can’t help but smile like the cat that got the cream. Part of me is glad I can’t remember the transition from friends to more with Cas because it sounds like I didn’t treat him very fairly during that time. Maybe this memory loss isn’t such a bad thing after all. 

We fall into a comfortable silence, watching a movie that Cas brought with him. He tells me it’s called ‘All Over the Guy’ and claims that it’s our favorite movie to watch together. “You always liken the two main characters to us. Though not entirely, since there are many differences. But you seem to find comfort in drawing that analogy.” 

I’m just glad he’s not asking me to read any more. It’s nice to learn about my life and all, but it’s not so nice to be force fed it. 

We’re at a very tense part of the movie, where it seems as though the two main characters, Eli and Tom, might truly hate each other and that they’ll never actually end up together. I’ve become far more invested in this movie than I had originally thought I would, so the drama on screen is certainly gripping me.

Suddenly, I feel my head reeling, dizzy for no reason. The room starts spinning around me. A pain shoots up my arm and neck. I can faintly hear Cas’s voice calling me, asking me if I’m okay. Am I falling asleep again? This is a completely new sensation! It’s not quite falling asleep, nor is it the same feeling I had after I yelled at Cas the other day. It’s pleasant, happy, warm. I smile as my body slips into whatever this bliss is. The room goes hazy as a comforting feeling comes over me.


	21. “But you can’t be me. I’m me!”

“Hey there, handsome!” I look over and see… me! I’m standing behind Cas, smiling down at myself. The entire room seems covered in a smoky haze, including Cas, but this other me is somehow very clear. 

“Who are you?!” I don’t even need to ask, I already know.

“I’m you, dumbass!” He laughs at me. 

“But you can’t be me. I’m me!” 

“Dean, you don’t get it. We’re both you… well we’re both us.”

“But how is that possible?” If I could slap the grin off of this smug bastard version of myself, I would.

“There’s a whole world of possibility out there. If you could remember some of the shit we’ve been through, you’d understand.”

“Believe me, I’m trying to remember!” I shoot back, a little defensively.

“Apparently not hard enough,” he grumbles to himself.

“What gives you the right, asshole?” I yell at my other self.

“You think I like being trapped in there while you shut me out and keep yourself in ignorance? You think I enjoy watching you hurt the love of my life the way you have been? It’s not fun for me, jerk!”

“Look, I’m sorry, but all of this is just a little frightening.”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of.” He says to me. “I’m not a ghost, I’m not some demon, I’m just you. Well, another part of you anyway. Think of me as our memory and you as our body.” 

What the hell does that mean? I feel the sickness rising in my guy again, swirling around my mind. I have to find a way to make him go away, to stop this queasiness.

“You’re not real!” I shut my eyes, hoping to shut him out too. 

I open my eyes again and through the fog I can see Cas shaking me, trying to get my attention. But, as much as I try, I can’t give him my attention. It’s almost like have to stay here and figure out what’s going on. Like I’m stuck.

I look around the room, trying to find myself again. There I am: standing by the window. “Dean?” I say. He turns and laughs at me.

He looks over at Cas, who is still trying to rouse my attention. “God, I love him so frigging much. I need to get back to him.” He says, smiling at Cas through the tears. 

“You remember him?” I ask, astonished.

“I remember everything you don’t.” He walks over to Cas and puts a hand on his cheek, stroking it lovingly. Cas looks up my monitors as I hear a faint beep. “God, I wish I could touch him again! Hold him. Kiss him!” Dean says longingly. 

“You really love him, don’t you?” Dean just nods at me through his tears. I feel sorry, like it actually is my fault that I can’t remember everything Dean can. “I wish I could love him. I feel like everything I say and do is hurting him. And I can tell he really loves me.”

“He does.” Dean smiles and rubs a hand on Cas’s back, who reaches down and grabs the call button. He presses it repeatedly, urgently trying to summon help. He puts two fingers to my forehead. I must looked confused because Dean just laughs at me. “He’s trying to heal you. Using his angel mojo.”

“He can heal people?” I ask, stunned.

“Yeah, most of the time. I doubt he’ll be able to help us, though. We suffered a lot of damage in that accident. It’s probably only because of something Cas did that we’re still alive.” He reaches down and tries to plant a kiss on Cas’s head, but Cas is moving too erratically now, near panic at his inability to help us. Dean turns away from Cas sadly. “Make me a promise?” Dean looks at up me.

“Sure. Whatever you want.” I respond. 

“Give him a kiss for me when you wake up.” I hesitate, not knowing what to say. “Please?” He begs me. 

“Of course, Dean. Of course I will.” Through the haze, I see a doctor and some nurses come running in. The doctor walks over and starts performing CPR on me as he instructs a nurse to get the defibrillator. Cas backs away and just watches all of this, helpless. 

Before I can tell Cas I’m fine, I see a nurse take him by the shoulders and gently lead him out of my room. Dean watches him, longingly, desperate to comfort him. I feel myself slipping into the darkness as Dean fades before my eyes. He looks so scared. Poor Dean!


	22. “I’m sorry, Cas. I can’t lie anymore. I made a promise to Dean and I plan on keeping my promise.”

“Cas? Are you there?” I slowly open my eyes.

“Yeah, I’m here.” I feel him put a hand on my shoulder. “We’re all here.”

I see that the rest of the family has returned. “You gave us quite a scare there, boy!” Bobby says, coming over and patting my leg. “Do that again and we might just kick your ass.”

“Yeah, no more heart attacks. You’re way too young to be having those.” Ellen chimes in.

“Heart attack?” I say, lifting my head to look at her better.

“Hey! You’re lifting your head!” Adam suddenly notices.

“Dude, he is!” Sam smiles.

“Can you move anything else?” Cas asks. I move my right leg and, as if a miracle has taken place, my body obeys my mind. I do the same with my left. Whatever happened in that place must have cured me.

“Can you sit up?” Bobby furrows his brow. 

“Maybe. But I think I’ll need help.” 

“No, no, no, absolutely not!” Ellen interjects. “Remember what happened last time?”

“Oh. Right,” Bobby gets that scolded puppy look. “I’m 0 for 2, eh?”

“Nothing wrong with batting zero,” I try to joke, “I’m sure even David Justice has his bad days.”

“Umm, Dean, Justice doesn’t play anymore,” Sam replies.

An awkward silence falls in the room as the recollection of my memory comes painfully to the forefront of everyone’s mind. 

“Anyway,” I change the subject, “I know you’re worried, but I think I can sit up.”

“Are you sure?” Jo asks.

“Yeah, I’ll just need a little help.” 

Sam and Adam each grab a hand and slowly pull me up into a sitting position. Cas grabs the bed remote and tilts the back up to support me. From my new position I can see that they have all of the equipment set up in the room. 

I look around the room, taking everything in. I notice the clock: 11:30 p.m. Great! They have plenty of time to try and contact Dean again!

“Hey, guys?” They rush over, as though I am going to say that I am in pain. “I think I should try to sleep again. I think Dean might come back if I do.”

“Dean?” Cas looks at me inquisitively.

“Yeah. Dean.” They all look at me like I’m crazy. After those EVP thingies they played last night, they shouldn’t be so shocked. They already know what’s going on… whether they truly believe it I don’t know.

“What are you talking about?” Sam questions me.

“During my… whatever that was… when my heart stopped, the whole room went hazy. I looked up and there I was! Standing right there! And I was the only clearly visible thing in the room. Well, me and myself.” I think I just confused them more. 

“I talked to myself, only it wasn’t me. It’s like we’re two different people right now. There’s the me that’s here right now. The one that has amnesia but has control of the body. And then there’s the other me. He remembers everything but he can’t control our body. He’s trapped inside of me. I don’t know how else to explain it, other than to say that there are two of me and only the amnesiac has control of our body.”

“Dean…” Bobby looks at me sideways.

“What?!” I know they must think I’m crazy, but I’m not! I know what I saw!

“I thought you didn’t believe anything was going on,” he winks to show me that he’s only teasing.

“I might not have before, but I’m seriously starting to believe after what I’ve seen!” I laugh. 

“So you think we should keep investigating? You think we’ll get to talk to him… or you… or whatever?” Adam asks.

“Yes. I’m going to go to sleep again and I want you guys to keep doing whatever you did. I don’t know what’s going on, but Dean’s getting stronger. It’s because of him that I can move again, I’m sure of it.” 

I grab the bed remote and tilt the bed back down so I am lying down again. I roll over on my side and smile, elated to finally be in another position. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping on my back for a very long time.

“Hey, you rolled over.” Cas says softly. He smiles at me and I smile back.

“I’m not an infant, we don’t need to write this in my baby book, okay?” I wink. I hear everyone giggle a little. It feels so good to be lighthearted with these guys. I’m sick of all the confusion and anxiety. I think I’ll like being comfortable with them all now.

I try my damnedest to fall asleep but I am just too excited to sleep. I want them to find him, to help him take our body back so I can return to normal. I wiggle impatiently, trying to find a miracle position to put me to sleep.

“You okay there, boy?” Bobby says quietly.

“Yeah, just having trouble falling asleep.”

“Do you want us to leave the room?” Ellen offers.

“No, you’re fine. I’m just really excited! I hope you catch some more tonight.” 

“Now that,” Jo grins, “sounds like good old Dean to me! Maybe we didn’t lose you after all, buttface!” 

“I hope not, brat!” I smile at her and shift positions again. God, it feels good to move!

After another half hour of tossing and turning, I sigh and nearly give up. I don’t know what will help me fall asleep. Maybe another cuddle? I really don’t want to borrow Jo again though. Maybe I can find an excuse to have Cas climb in bed with me. No… that would be ridiculous! They would never go for it. But I owe it to Dean. I made him a promise.

“Hey, Cas?” I say, sitting up and throwing the covers to the side.

“Yes, Dean?” He sounds so detached, as though he really is just a friend. I have to hand it to him, he’s good at pretending we’re not madly in love. 

“Can you come here?”

“Of course,” he says apprehensively, not wanting to give us away. With Bobby already questioning us, I’m sure he wants to play it safe. But I don’t care. I made myself a promise and I intend to keep it!

As Cas comes over to my bed, I grab his face and pull him in for a kiss. His mouth tastes so good, like the familiar taste of your favorite meal. I know for sure now that I’ve been here before, that this is nothing new for me.

“Whoa!” Bobby, Ellen,and Jo react with shock. I knew they would but I don’t care. I see Bobby and Ellen look at each other, questioning what to do or say. Jo looks like someone just stabbed her, wide eyed and unresponsive.

Cas pulls away from me, trying to play it off. “Wow, Dean. What kind of meds do they have you on?” He says, directed more at the others than me. I can see his eyes are lit up with joy. Even though he’s trying to act cool, I can see just how delighted he is.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I can’t lie anymore. I made a promise to Dean and I plan on keeping my promise.” I look Bobby squarely in the eyes. “Cas and I are a couple.”

“What?” Bobby asks. To my surprise, he doesn’t seem shocked or angered by this. I guess he really was starting to suspect. It was bound to happen though, all of us crowded into the hospital room and me wanting to be alone with Cas whenever possible.

“We’ve been together for, what?” I look at him, “fourteen months?” 

He nods. Jo slowly lowers herself into a chair in the corner. Sam sighs and scrubs a hand down his face. Ellen and Bobby exchange looks, as if asking if the other one knew. They must see the shock on each other’s face as confirmation that, no, in fact, they did not know. Adam moves over to Jo and puts a hand on her shoulder, which she very forcefully shoves away from her. Adam looks from her to me, his eyes full of some emotion I can't understand.

“You’ve been together for over a year?” Ellen clarifies. 

Cas takes my hand and sits on the bed next to me. “Yes,” he says proudly, “our anniversary was just over two months ago."

“What about… you know?” Bobby asks, looking at Cas and then me. I’m about to cut in and admonish him for being homophobic when he surprises me with his real question. “What about the difference in species?”

“We’re not incompatible life forms,” Cas states, as though it’s an obvious answer. “My vessel is more than capable of being physically intimate with Dean. As far as my true form, well, we’ll figure out how to interact in that form if we ever need to.”

“Cas, I think what Bobby’s trying to say is that you’re an angel. Dean’s a human. I mean, there’s a mortality issue here, among many, many other issues.” Ellen interjects. “And how does God feel about you two being together? Are an angel and a human even supposed to be romantically linked? Even if your bodies are compatible, you’re still a different species. Besides, you might have Jimmy's permission to occupy his body to do God's work, but do you really have his permission to be intimate with a man? That just doesn't seem right.”

“Yes… I know.” He has nothing to say to that. I guess we both knew it was wrong, but I don’t think either of us cared.

 

Man, I feel like I’ve thrown Cas under the bus here. I was the one that outed us, but I’m also the one who can’t respond to their questions or help defend us. I don’t know enough about angels or Cas or us to help him out here. What have I done to this poor guy? I’m not sure what to say to bail Cas out here. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t have told everyone. But I had to. I had to help bring Dean back and I knew that being with Cas was the cure. 

“Look, I know you guys might be mad, but please don’t be.” I look at them seriously. “It’s because of Cas that Dean is getting stronger. And it’s not some weird angel juju. It’s like he’s helping me find my old self. And I really think that acknowledging this will help bring Dean back.” I bring Cas’s hand to my lips and kiss it gently. “At least wait until I’m myself again and can help Cas defend us, okay?” 

The room goes silent as they all contemplate what to do. Do they accept us outright or do they take my advice and wait until my memory is back to deal with this? Ellen and Bobby both take a seat around the table. Everyone waits in suspense to see what they’ll say.

“We’ll talk about this later.” Bobby finally says. Ellen nods, agreeing with Bobby’s decision. 

“Why don’t we clear out of here and let Dean fall back to sleep? After all, if we’re going to talk to the real Dean again, we need this Dean to be asleep.” Adam says, getting up and going to the door. No one follows him. “Guys, come on.” Adam prods them but doesn’t actually exit. Bobby gets up and walks out. 

Ellen goes over and taps Jo, who is spaced out. “Come on girl, let’s go grab a soda or something.” 

Jo looks up at me with sadness in her eyes. She nods at her mother, never taking his eyes off of me. She walks out slowly, rubbing a hand over her face as she exits. Ellen stops and looks at Sam.

“Sam?” She says, shooting Sam a stern look.

“I can’t believe you told them.” Sam says to me. He is smiling, but there is a twinge of sadness in his voice.

“You knew?!” Ellen looks at him wide-eyed.

“Yeah.” He looks to Ellen. “I did. Walked in on them together about eight months ago. Not my favorite moment in life.”

“Gross,” Ellen comments before smiling up at me and Cas with a fond look in her eye, likes she’s thrilled to see us together. 

“Why can’t you believe that I told?” I ask Sam.

“Because you were the one who was so apprehensive about it all. As much as you loved him, you kept telling him to keep it a secret. You were so scared of what Ellen and Bobby would say.”

Ellen looks from Cas to me with questioning eyes. “You’re a damn fool, Dean, if you think we’d be anything but thrilled at seeing you so happy. I know we have some logistical concerns.” She holds up a finger as I start to open my mouth, “Don’t give me lip, boy. We have every right to have those concerns. But we are happy to see you two together. Hell, Meg’s been teasing you about it for years. She’s probably going to be insufferable when she learns the truth.” Ellen exits, laughing as she does. 

“Sam? Cas? Could I have just a minute with him?” Adam requests. 

“Of course,” Cas says, squeezing my hand. Despite everything that’s happened, I’m glad I told everyone. It’ll be nice to not have to hide, to be free to show our affection towards each other.

As soon as Cas and Sam are out of the room, Adam comes over and shakes her head at me. “Dean, you shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why not? They’re not mad. Besides, this might help me remember. And I made a promise to Dean.”

“It’s not that…” he looks around; making sure no one is in the room. He takes a seat next to the bed and looks at me warily. “I didn’t want to say this with Sam or Cas or Ellen in the room, but… Dean, there’s something I’ve known for a while and I’m not supposed to tell you this. I promised Jo I wouldn’t, but I think it needs addressed finally.”

I turn so that I am facing him, still loving the fact that I can move now. Despite having a heart attack, or whatever that was, I feel like I’m getting stronger by the minute. “Okay, shoot,” I say, not knowing what to expect.

Adam takes a deep breath, prepping himself to drop whatever bomb he’s got. I quirk my head at him, getting impatient. Finally he lets out his breath and says, “Jo’s in love with you, Dean.”


	23. "I have to make this right.”

“Jo’s in love with me?” What is Adam talking about? Jo has barely talked to me since I’ve been out of the coma. From the limited interactions we’ve had since then, I would guess that she doesn’t like me, not that she’s in love with me. “What do you mean?”

“About six months ago, just a couple months before your accident, Jo came over to my place to hang out. We got to drinking and she admitted to me that she’s in love with you. That she has been for a while.”

“What did you say to her? I mean, you knew about me and Cas.” 

“I told her that I knew you were seeing someone. I didn’t tell her who, though.”

“Oh.” I sit back, trying to take of all this in. “Man, I guess telling everyone that I was with Cas was a bad idea, huh?”

“You did what you had to do. I just thought you should know that Jo’s not going to be taking this well.”

“Poor girl. If I had known, I wouldn’t have said anything in front of her. And I wouldn’t have asked her to cuddle the other day. That was probably extremely uncomfortable for her.”

“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.” Adam places a hand gently on my forearm. 

“Yeah, but still…” my voice trails off. He starts to get up and head out the door. “Hey, Adam?”

“Yeah?” He turns back to me.

“Was I always this much of an accidental asshole?” I’m serious. I hope he doesn’t take that as a joke.

“Yes. You were.” He says honestly. Good, he knew I wasn’t kidding. We look at each other for a moment, sharing a brotherly connection. I might not have believed Sammy at first, but I know now that Adam really is our brother. I can see it in is eyes, the way he hold himself, the way he talks. He’s a Winchester, through and through. 

The door to my hospital room opens and Bobby pokes his head in. “Adam? We need to let him sleep.” Adam nods and walks towards the door.

“Hey, wait!” I stop them from leaving.

“What do you need, Dean?” Bobby looks at me.

“I know I need to fall asleep before you guys start doing your thing. But could you send Jo in quickly?” Adam looks at me. “I have some questions about the filming she did last night.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Bobby says, walking out to get Jo.

“Dean, don’t.” Adam pleads.

“I have to. I need to clarify everything with her. I’ve spent the past week hurting Cas repeatedly. I can’t hurt Jo too. I know it’s not my fault, but not knowing who I am is hurting everyone and I can’t keep doing it. I have to make this right.” 

My brother half-smiles at me and nods. “You know Dean, you’re not as much of an asshole as you think. This is a very kind thing you’re doing. Just make sure you let her down gently.”


	24. “Not again! No, no, no!

He turns and leaves, giving me a few minutes to prepare myself to face Jo. I can’t believe I just blurted out that Cas and I are together. Had I known how Jo felt, I would have waited until Cas and I could speak with Bobby and Ellen in private.

The door to my room opens and Jo walks in uneasily. She stands just inside the door. “Hey kid, come have a seat.” I say, suddenly feeling like a principle about to give a kid detention.

“Adam said you wanted to talk to me?” Oh crap, Adam didn’t tell her why. She has no clue what’s coming.

“Yeah…” I scoot over on my bed. “Come up here, sit with me.” If I’m going to talk to her, I need to do it right.

“Umm, okay.” She says awkwardly. She sits on the bed facing me, curling up one leg underneath her.

“I talked to Adam just now.”

“About what?”

“How you feel about me.” She looks down, as if embarrassed. “He said you’re in love with me.” She nods, eyes still on the sheets. “Jo, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Had I known…” I don’t want to tell him that I would have kept it a secret. That sounds like I would lie to her or something. 

“Dean…” her voice breaks. “we’re buds, you know? We're practically family. I never thought I had a chance anyway. That’s why I never said anything.” She looks me in the eyes. “I’ll be honest with you, it broke my heart when you said that you and Cas were together. Not only are you taken, but it turns out that you’re with an angel. I mean, I can’t compete with that. Not that I would try to compete even if he was human. I’m not going to try to steal you away from him or anything. But it just sucks knowing that I can never live up to the awesomeness that is your boyfriend.” She shrugs.

“I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could say to make you feel better.”

“Don’t be sorry. You’re in a loving, committed relationship. I’m happy for you. And if you had to end up with someone else, I’m glad it’s him. Cas is a great guy. I trust him with you. I just wish…” her voice trails off and she goes silent. 

I put a hand on her cheek as she starts to cry. There’s nothing I can really say to make her feel better. But hopefully now that she knows the truth, she can begin to get over me. 

Through her tears, we make eye contact. The look in her eyes is so tender, so full of love, that it fills me with warmth. I don’t deserve to be looked at like that. She grabs my hand and pulls it to her lips, placing a gentle kiss on my knuckles. And suddenly, for reason I can’t even begin to explain, I lean in and kiss her. At first, it’s just an innocent kiss of comfort, but as she opens her mouth to deepen the kiss, I part my mouth and allow the kiss to become more. 

I hadn’t intended to kiss her like this, but I find that I really don’t mind. Her lips are plump and perfect and she smells so nice. Her skin is soft and supple. There’s no stubble scratching my face. Kissing a woman like this is familiar to me. This is what I’ve always been raised to believe is correct. 

Feeling only slightly guilty, I pull away to look at her. I look over and see Dean standing next to Jo. I look at Jo and the haze begins again. I see Jo looking from me to my monitors, panicking. 

“Not again! No, no, no!” I hear her faintly yell. She gets up and runs out the door to get help.


	25. I recognize the tone as a flat line and I know that I’m stuck here until Dean and I can figure out what’s going on.

“What in the hell were you thinking?” Dean says, looking ready to kill me.

“I’m sorry. But I just… I had to.”

“Dean! Man! Come on! What if Cas finds out?” He throws his arms up in defeat. 

“So what if he does?!” I snap. I am sick and tired of doing things according to what the other Dean wants. What about what I want dammit? “Do you think I care? I don’t feel the same way about him as you do. Maybe you forgot that.”

“No, I didn’t. I know it perfectly well. But you know perfectly well what kind of a position you just put me in. How am I going to explain that to Cas?”

“You won’t have to. You will stay buried inside of me and I will live the life that I want to live! I’m sick of you trying to tell me who I am and who I’m not! I know who I am dammit!” 

“Okay, fine. You think that’s a good plan? Burying me? Living life as you want? Dumping Cas and moving on to Jo?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Think ahead dumbass! Think about the position you just put Jo in! She can’t betray Cas like that. She can’t put that bad blood between them. So now you’ve just given her a taste of something she can’t have. She loves you and you just fucked her over. And you think that Bobby and Ellen are going to allow this? You just told them that you’re with Cas and now you think you can just move on to Jo like she’s your next conquest? That’s their daughter, you dipshit! They’re going to protect the hell out of her!”

I see several doctors and nurses come rushing in through the haze. I can hear the faint beep of the monitors. I recognize the tone as a flat line and I know that I’m stuck here until Dean and I can figure out what’s going on. I also know that neither of us is going to cave here. I dig in and prepare myself for a long battle.

“You know what? Screw you anyway. You’re looking at our life from your perspective. You forget that I’m just a kid. I have my whole life ahead of me still!”

“I know you think you’re some dumb 16 yr old kid, but the reality here is that we’re adults! We have to face adult consequences. You cannot just throw away a committed relationship to be with a close friend, who is basically family. Your little fairy tale life is just that: a fucking fairy tale! And now I have to explain to the love of my life that I just kissed his friend, someone he trusts. You think that’s going to fly?! You have really fucked me over here, Dean!”

“It’s your fault, asshole! You left me. You got weak and scared and hid down inside of me. You left me out there to deal with all of this. And I am doing the best I can. But for the past week I have been nothing but scared and alone. And all the while you were biding your time, waiting until I did all of the work and you could just easily come on out and play. The things I have done and the decisions I have made have been the best I could do. I am following my instincts here. And my instincts tell me that you aren’t ready to give up on women just yet. So blame yourself, because you’re the one who can’t accept that he might actually be bisexual!”

I cross my arms, waiting for his explanation. He locks his gaze on me and crosses his arms back, unyielding. “I’m waiting, Dean. Are you or are you not refusing to admit that you’re not entirely straight?”

“So what if I don’t admit it?”

“I don’t understand how you can scream at me and blame me for what I did when you know that you’re just as guilty.” 

“Because, because no matter how I feel about our genders, I care about Cas. I love him. And I have committed my life to him. So I put away my weird insecurities and my idea that I have to be something I’m not. I swallowed all of that and I buried it deep down inside my soul. Because, despite my stupid qualms about my own sexuality, it’s a man who has been there for me. 

“It was Cas who brought me soup when I was sick. It was Cas who bought me a drum set last Christmas because I mentioned one time that I regretted never having time in my childhood to play an instrument. It was Cas who crawled into bed with me every night and held me. It was Cas who kissed me and loved me. And it was Cas that I chose because I love him right back.”

Suddenly I feel a bright light gripping me, the same light I felt when I woke up out of the coma. My head pounds inside of my ears and I can hear the screams of a million souls. Oh God, am I dying? Oh no, no, no. I look around for Dean, panicking, but there is nothing but the bright light. Oh no! I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Sam and Cas, I didn’t get to say goodbye to any of my family!


	26. Whatever the afterlife is, I know I must be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, sorry, sorry for leaving it on the cliffhanger of last chapter! I was trying to do final edits and post it all before work. I was actually late to work because I kept editing/posting. My sincerest apologies!

I wake up and look around, expecting to see angels or pearly gates, the devil greeting me as I enter Hell, the battlefield of purgatory, or maybe the boatman greeting me at the river Styx. Whatever the afterlife is, I know I must be there.

"Dean? Dean, you all right man? Dean, can you hear me? Say something, man. Please talk to me. I need to know you're all right." My eyes begin to focus. I look up and see Sam by my side. 

“Sam?” I look up and see Cas, Jo, Ellen, and Bobby also in the room with me. “What happened?” I smile as I realize Cas is holding my hand. 

“You were in an accident, man,” Sam explains. “A pretty bad one. You were driving back to the motel during a case. You made it out to I-75, near Dayton, Ohio. Somehow, a semi came over right on top of your car. Crushed it like a tin can. Thank God I convinced you to leave the Impala with Bobby so he could make some repairs. We might have lost your baby.”

“Where’s the other Dean?” I ask, looking around. “Where did all of the equipment go?”

“Other Dean? Who’s the other Dean? What equipment? What are you talking about?” Bobby asks, looking at me like I have three heads.

I hope I didn’t slip into another coma! I’ve already lost four months; I can’t lose anymore! Oh God, I hope Cas doesn’t know I kissed Jo! Oh no. “How long was I out for?” I ask, panicking.

“Dean, calm down. You’re fine. I don’t know how it’s possible, but you barely have a scrape on you! Your doctor says you can go home as soon as you feel ready.” Ellen reassures me.

“How long was I out for?” I ask again, desperate for an answer.

“I don’t know. Six, seven hours. A standard night’s sleep.” Sam says nonchalantly. 

“What?” I reach up and feel my head. “What happened to the bandages?” 

“What bandages?” Sam asks.

“From my surgery,” I say.

“Dean, I don’t know what kind of crazy medicines they gave you, but you’re fine.” Jo laughs. “A couple of bumps and bruises, but nothing to merit surgery. Don’t be such a baby!”

“So I wasn’t in a coma for four months?” I ask.

They all look genuinely mystified by my question. “No,” Cas says to me, “you weren’t in a coma, Dean. And certainly not for four months. The accident happened last night.”

“But I…” I look from Cas to Jo. “Okay… umm, awkward question… have I kissed anyone here?” 

They all laugh at me. “Just your boyfriend,” Bobby teases. I look at each of them in turn, confused, as if unsure of who they mean.

“Umm, that would be Cas,” Sam says, laughing at me. “What the hell is wrong with you, Dean? You’re acting like you have no idea who you are, dude!” 

“I just… I had a… a dream, I guess.” I sit back and relax. It was just a dream! Oh thank God! Just a dream! “It was a dream!” I laugh to myself. My laughter builds into a joyous crescendo as it all sinks in: I never kissed Jo, I never hurt Cas, I was never a ghost: it was all a dream!

I don’t think I’ve ever laughed this much in my life. They’re all looking at me like I’ve lost my mind, but I don’t care. I’m just so happy!

I continue laughing as I look at them all. “Oh man, I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz right now. And you were there, and you were there.” I bust out laughing again.

“Okay, no more morphine for you, Dean,” Cas jokes, leaning in and kissing me sweetly.

I’m going to be fine. I know that now. It was all a dream. I’m still happily in love with Cas, I never put him through any pain, and no one will ever find about the kiss that never happened between Jo and I. “Hey, Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?” 

“Marry me?” I say, getting serious. He looks at me, stunned. The others go, quiet, eager for him to say yes. Ellen and Bobby are trying not to smile. I breathe a little easier, seeing that they are okay with this. I look at Sam, who is beaming at me like a mother on her child’s graduation day. Finally, I look at Jo. She’s grinning from ear to ear. I smile at her, seeing that she’s not really in love with me. I turn and look at the man who actually is in love with me, the man whom I love back with all of my heart, awaiting his response. I feel every muscle in my body tense as I eagerly wait for him to say something.

A smile slowly spreads it way across his face. “Of course, Dean.” He responds honestly before kissing me passionately. His lips meet mine and I let out a small moan. Despite how good my kisses with Cas were in my dream, they were nothing compared to this! There is no doubt in my mind that this is, indeed, what heaven feels like.


End file.
